REVIEW DATE: 7:26:9:9
I blame Steven Spielberg for this movie.
Think about it a second, Big Steve makes Jaws and what happens? Lots of movies about giant animals eating people, that's what. Predictably, most of these movies suck.
Here's another one for the Barbie. Even though Anaconda isn't that much of a Jaws rip-off (now, Devil Fish and Up From the Depths . . .) it still blows like a whale.
There I was, giddy as a schoolgirl over the fact that I finally, finally get HBO. So there I am, the back of my chair temporarily attached to my spine, ready to turn my brain completely off for, oh I don't know, two hours would be good. Then I spot Anaconda. "Hmmm," my mind says, "There might be a fun way to waste two hours. Giant snake eats people, sounds like a no-brainier to me."
But wait! a voice in my head gasped. It's nothing more then another Jaws rip-off! You know it, I know it and a butt load of other critics know it.
"So? Critics have been wrong before."
Yeah, but they've been right too. Come on, TNT is showing The Blues Brothers for the hundredth time and we both know that's good. Wouldn't we rather watch that, instead?
"No", was my firm reply.
Damnit, I should learn to trust myself.
After an obligatory Person Is Munched On By Unseen Monster prologue, we meet our cannon fodder. Er, characters. Your sacrificial lambs (er, characters, damn) for the evening will be Terri (Jennifer Lopez, last seen here in U-Turn), a documentary film maker; Dr. Steve (Eric Stoltz), anthropologist and Terri's boy toy; Danny (Ice Cube), camera guy and token black dude; Warren Westridge (Jonathan Hyde) this documentaries narrator and all around stiff assed Bit; Gary (Owen Wilson), someone I don't care about who will die; and Denise (Kari Wuhrer), his chick.
These (*ahem*) people are all on a quest to photograph some long lost, made up Amazonian tribe that worships snakes. They sail around the Amazon around aimlessly for awhile until they find Paul Sarone (Jon Voight). Paul is some sort of risk taking adventurer dude, whose newest adventure involves wrangling a 40-foot long snake and selling it to the highest bidder. To that end, he uses his new position as tour guide to lure the boat into a snake filled area.
Now, Voight plays this role with such duplicity, and nastiness that I found myself screaming, "He's evil you morons! Eeeevillll!". No one paid me any attention.
No one listens to me, and Dr. Steve, thanks to Paul's handy placement of a wasp, is soon out of the picture. Paul to takes charge. Can we guess the plot form here, kiddies?
Yep, Paul steers the crew right into the snake's path, so (finally) we get to see stupid people die! Oh, yippee, that's my favorite thing in the world, and snaky gets four of them before it dies. Too bad the snake is such an obvious puppet. Come on people, I've seen made for TV movies with better anamatronics then this. In fact, I believe the snake won "Worst New Star" at 1998´s Razzie awards.
Special effects, however, are for later. Now I have to spoil the plot for you, just in case anyone gets curious. Several badly paced scenes latter, the stupid humans kill the first snake. I say first because, several more badly paced scenes latter another one shows up to try and eat the two remaining heroes, Terri and Danny. After making a snack of Paul, mercifully ending John Voight´s over acting, it gets caught in a fuel explosion before it can end Lopez´s underacting. The survivors sail back to civilization. The end.
How in on Earth this movie got a theatrical release has just become the 8th Wonder of the World. Not only do the normally sad actors (Cube, who plays the same roll no matter what the particular movie calls for, and B-movie regular Kari Wuhrer) turn in there usual dismal performances, but normally competent actors like Voight and Lopez manage to completely embarrass themselves. Mr. Midnight Cowboy really botched this one up big time. While Lopez, so good in U-Turn, tries like so many failed actresses before her to Xerox Sigourney Weaver's performance from Aliens.
As mentioned above, the anamatronic snake looks like a stolen prop from the movie Dragnet, which was also and anaconda if I remember correctly. (I don't. It was a reticulating python.) In its multiple close ups we get to stair deeply into the puppet's emotionless, obviously glass, eyes. Are we suppose to be afraid of this twitching robot? Now, the snake's CGI counterpart, on the other hand, is lightning fast and moves in fluid motions worth of fright. To bad this movie's wasted budget restricts that creature to far too few scenes. Because of the Grand Canyon like difference between the two, which monster effect stars in which scene is laughingly obvious.
Decent writing? Where is it? Beats me. This bastard won "Worst Screenplay" too. Thank you very much, Mr. Hans Bauer, Jim Cash and Jack Epps, you've managed to pound out a movie as bland as week old coffee left on a radiator. Thanks, morons. Don't ever get near a word processor again.
Oh, and as for you, stay away from Anaconda. Far away. Far, far, far away. The script is bland, the actors brain dead, and the entire movie and excuse for director Luis Llosa to film a snake eating people.
Hey, Spielberg, thanks a whole hell of a lot, buddy. Your flaming bag of dog poo will arrive in four to six business days.
RATING (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)
REMEMBER, FAR AWAY.
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