Someone must have liked Willard. Or sold their soul to Satan. I'm not sure which. I certainly wouldn't have pushed for a sequel. A remake, perhaps (with a better script, solid supporting characters and improved special effects), but not a sequel. And though the back of Ben's box calls Willard a "box office smash", it also calls itself "one of the most terrifying nightmares ever created"
Right.
For the longest time, this movie has haunted me. Oh, stop laughing, I didn't mean the movie itself. But the box. . .oh boy. It's a work of art, from the days when video boxes were more than billboards.
Fat sewer rats crawl over each other, looking a bit too well fed. As if they've been snacking on something. Something large. A huge, shadow covered rodent with gleaming red eyes watches. He's not watching them, oh no. His eyes are focused outward. Focused on you. He's crouched in an attack posture. He knows you've entered his domain and he's not happy about it. One squeak from him, and his armies will descend on you. You'd better run. Now. You won't get another chance.
It's a nice box. Damn thing was scary as hell to a six-year-old.
The movie inside? It wouldn't scare a three-year-old.
What does it say about a horror movie when the movie's cover art inspires more fear than the actual show?
We begin outside Willard's house. The self-proclaimed "King of the Rats" has come down with a slight case of death. Detective Kirtland (Joseph Campanella) can't make heads or tails of this case (bad pun, I know). Though, since all signs point to Death by Rat, shouldn't this case fall under the jurisdiction of Pest Control? Of course, they are attacking humans, so this is a bit of a gray area.
Damnit, figuring these things out is so simple with giant monsters. If it's over 20 feet tall, it's the army's problem. But there is no set policy for dealing with monsters that are under 20 feet tall, to say nothing of man eating rats.
Regardless, Kirtland finds no evidence of Ben the rat, or his Unholy Army of the Night. He never thinks to check the walls and, consequently, one of the uniform cops he posts outside the house dies a bloodless but apparently gruesome death. Rats in Ben's universe chew people apart and not spill a drop of blood. <cynicism>Cool, huh?</cynicism>
So, their house invaded, Ben and his million or so pals flee to the storm drains of The City. They mill around for a while, attacking supermarkets and refrigerator trucks. Some mayhem is caused, but nowhere near the amount of anarchy an army of intelligent rats could create. You'd need a budget for that.
In fact, the worse thing Ben does in the entire movie is make nice with a little brat named Danny (Lee Montgomery). Danny, the bastard, has a heart condition that isn't working fast enough. He spends his day composing sugary pop songs, and building puppets. Then he puts on shows, giving these puppets his high pitched, nails-on-the-blackboard, Kenny voice. All he needs are some Japanese micro-shorts.
So Danny shields Ben and the Gray/Brown Horde from a join police/pest control task force. This goes on for seven eighths of the movie, and not one murder is committed in Danny's name. Is that a wasted opportunity for drama, or is that a wasted opportunity for drama?
But no Kenny's cries of "the monster is a friend to children everywhere" can go on for long. Detective Kirtland orders every tunnel around Danny's house flamed, and it becomes a battle of man vs. rat that couldn't be worse. I think we're supposed to cheer for the rats. Lord knows there's no reason to love the humans. Both species are about the same, personality wise.
As usual, I lay the blame for all of this squarely on Gilbert Ralston, author of Ratman's Notebook, which got us into this mess. Gilbert also wrote Willard, and apparently thought he could out do himself. Well guess what, Gil? You were right. You managed to write a movie with even fewer likeable characters. A movie with even less entertainment value, and absolutely no redeeming characteristics.
Horror? Yeah, right. Gil has no idea about how to scare people. He certainly isn't getting any help from director Phil Karlson. Karlson is as stupid a director as Ralston is a writer. Guys, guess what? It takes more then sticking a camera two feet away from some scurrying rats to scare people.
What does it take, you ask? Why, I'm glad you asked. Gather 'round, little boys and girls.
First off, you need suspense. Suspense comes from shooting a scene from a variety of angles, then editing them together in such a way as to capture the audience's attention. Can you say "attention"? I knew you could.
Suspense also comes from caring. Can you say "caring"? There you go. We care about characters who are rounded. Can you say "rounded"? Good.
We also like characters who are well acted. What's well acted? Well, children, I can tell you what well acted isn't. And it most defiantly isn't Lee Montgomery's performance in Ben. This is the kind of performance that makes your good buddy, Dr. Psy, feel like someone is driving spikes into his brain. You're good buddy, Dr. Psy, would rather watch a Real World marathon then listen to Danny's shrill little voice singing unoriginal, bubble gum songs. (One is even sung by a still-young, still-black, Michael Jackson, can you say "child molester"?) Why, just thinking about it makes Dr. Psy want to jump out his second story window and land on rusty nails.
Can you say "suicide"? Good job.
Suspense also comes from shock. A movie has to shock in order to scare, kiddies. There's no gore in Ben at all. None. This could be a G movie with few problems. Snip out two scenes, about four seconds of movie, and there you are, boys and girls. Can you say "the movie makers had no balls and even fewer dollars?" You got it.
So, what do we call a horror movie with no likeable characters, no suspense, and no way to scare us at all? We call that a "failure" children. Can you say "failure?"
Good. Now get away from me, you stupid brats. I hate children. Children suck, little crap factories.
I dare say that I might have enjoyed this movie had Ben been allowed to be a villain. And give the rat some dialogue, for Christ sakes. At least then he wouldn't make those cheep, cheep noises and the movie's annoyance factor would drop a few points.
Is there anything good about Ben? No. Sure, you can rip the shit out of it if you've got even half a wit. And Danny's sister, Eve (Meredith Baxter) is nice to stare at. About the only good thing I can say about this is that it's no Batman and Robin.
So, in a way, it's not even bad enough to be a Bad Movie.
Can you say "big ass failure," kids? I know I can.
Gs (out of a possible five)
MOCK O' METER
