This is not a good move. I mean it's a good movie, but not good movie. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? Of course you do. Blade 2 fits my definition of a good movie perfectly, without ever once becoming more than the sum of its parts. And while that is at least some kind of accomplishment (is, in fact, exactly the kind of accomplishment the first movie pulled off so well) a part of me can't help but watch movies like Blade 2 without be at least a little disappointed.
The movie beings, curiously enough, with one of the biggest fucking cheats a sequel can pull on the audience: reanimating a dead main character. It's a tried and true gimmick used most often in comic books and bad serial novels (not to mention cartoons, Robert Jordan novels and, oh yeah, Star Trek 3) When I saw a one of Blade 2's trailers my first reaction was, "Didn't Kris Kristofferson die in the first movie? How the hell can he show up in the sequel?"
Well guess what, kids? Whistler didn't really die in the first movie; you were just supposed to think that so the original Blade could screw with your emotions a little bit. Frankly, this kind of behavior in a sequel is analogous to a magician dropping dead pigeons out of his coat sleeves. It's jarring, cheap and it reminds me that all I'm watching is an illusion. And to start your movie off with such a hard smack in the face just adds insult to injury.
But...much as I hate to admit it...I'm glad that Whistler returns from the dead. Kristofferson is a fine actor who turns in an extremely likeable (using girly words like loveable to describe Whistler would be blasphemy) performance as the aging vampire hunter who keeps Blade from succumbing to the dark side.
So Blade (Wesley Snipes, duh) has spent the Time Between Movies tracking Whistler through South-eastern Europe, exterminating any vamps that get in his way. He finds his mentor suspended in a tank of blood and brings Whistler back to his new and improved base of operations. After an injection of Super-Magic Vampire Antidote everything is aye-okay. Whistler's nice and human again, back to his old vulgar, world-weary self.
Yes, Blade developed a Super-Magic Vampire Antidote in the time between. Don't ask where or how, you're not supposed to think about that. What's more, you won't have time to think about that. Before you can say "Uh-oh, here comes the plot," a duo of vampire assassins attack Blade's base. Hilarity ensues...only to end with the vampire duo offering Blade a truce on behalf of the entire Vampire Nation.
It seems a new player has entered the field. Several of them, in fact. A single pureblood vampire named Jared Nomak (Luke Goss) has...I suppose "mutated" is the best word...into the next step in vampire evolution. Eli Damaskinos (Thomas Kretschmann), the Nosferatu-esqe Overlord of the Vampire nation, calls this "new strain" the Reapers. Vampires that feed on Vampires. Hey, it's not that original, but the idea definitely makes me uneasy.
The Reapers don't sit too well with Blade either, and he forms an uneasy alliance with the Vampires he's hunted all this years. But, of course, there's more going on here than meets the eye, not that you won't be able to see all the plot twists coming from a mile away.
Of course, you shouldn't be thinking. You should be putting your eyes back in your head. They might just slip out during one of the ass kicking fight scenes. I don't get to use the word "orgy" very much (unfortunately) but I will gladly hold Blade 2 up as a proud example of a special effects orgy. Modern effects, combined with director Guillermo del Toro's mind-twisting camera work and Peter Amundson MTV editing skills, fuse together over the course of this movie to produce something truly awesome. The plot is a paint-by-numbers set, sure, but Jesus Christ you have to see some of the things this movie pulls off.
No, really, you do. That's why I've spent the past week recommending this movie to all my friends. That's why I recommend it to you guys. Because while a part of me desperately wished for Blade 2 to have a message or a theme or (Jesus Christ, is) a second dimension to Blade's personality (too much to ask?) another part of me rejoiced that I live in an age where gratuitous physical carnage can be brought to the screen in such a ludicrously fun way. These fight scenes are transubstantiated right off the pages of Marvel Comics. Never have I seen displays of superhuman powers so well depicted.
Well, maybe in The Matrix...but never mind that now.
Wesley Snipes is his usual, stoic self. Don't expect Blade to grow or anything. Kris is his usual, fun, vulgar self. Don't expect Whistler to grow or anything. Kretschmann and Goss turn in great performances as vampires, while Leonor Varela (who plays Damaskinos' super hot daughter, Nyssa) turns in a performance that you'll smell from the back row. The six members of the Blood Pack (an elite unit of vampires who team up with Blade to hunt the Reapers) are all forgettable side characters/interchangeable Reaper-bait--except for Ron Perlman, another underused, typecast villain actor who turns in a great roll and will surely vanish into obscurity once again.
Expect action. Expect special effects. Expect blood, guts, fingers and toes. (Sorry, damn song's been stuck in my head all day). Go into this movie prepared and you'll have yourself a jolly good time. Blade 2 not only satiated my need for violence and action, it also gave me hope for Spider-man, which will be upon us sooner than you think. And I'll see you there. I'll be the guy sitting front row, center.
No, on second thought I'll be the guy sitting sixth row, center. Front row sucks ass, you guys.
Gs (out of a possible five)