When
a movie critic becomes ill with an ailment that entails the coughing up (and subsequent
spitting out) of large, globular balls of phlegm, it is best that said movie critic should
avoid all movies having to deal with amorphous masses of protoplasm, lest he loose the
small amount of condensed soup he was able to force himself to eat.
I, being me (i.e., being stupid), ignored this credo and rented this; the 1988 remake of The Blob. Nothing like a horror movie to get you over a bout with the flu. Or am I the only kid who'd fake a sore throat so he could stay home to watch some creature feature on the one o'clock movie?
So I rented The Blob and it is anything but appetizing. I managed to keep things under control. When there's nothing in your stomach, logic suggests that nothing can come out of your stomach. It takes a lot to send me to the porcelain bus, as my friends can attest. I could go into detail and have all of you bask in my gorge-holding prowess, but my mother reads this site, too.
Enough about bodily functions. Let's talk about large, gelatinous, alien monsters. Yeah, baby, yeah!
The basic story hasn't changed in 30 years. Giant rock falls from space, deposits carnivorous alien ooze. Rustic old coot pokes carnivorous alien ooze with a stick. Hilarity ensues. Carnivorous alien ooze begins devouring residents of Small Town America and its up to a bunch of "no-good kids" to stop it before it grows too large to handle. As always, the devil is in the details.
This time, it falls upon town bad boy Brian Flagg (Kevin Dillon) and cheerleader Meg Penny (Shawnee Smith) to stop the malevolent muck. And while Meg still begins the movie as A Nice Small Town Girl, Brian Flagg (no relation to Randal) is the kind of rebel that would make Steve McQueen mess his pants. He's a cigarette smokin', motorcycle riddin', beer drinkin', leather jacket wearin' son of a bitch. And even though I liked Flagg well enough (I always root for the Rebel Without a Clue), I'm smart enough to recognize him for the caricature that he is.
Still, he's a fun caricature. The Rebel Without a Clue who's really a Nice Guy once you get to know him. And the script does manage to shoehorn some scenes that showcase Flagg's softer side amid all the goo and gore. I counted four myself. Your actual mileage may vary.
With that kind of stellar characterization, it fell on Kevin Dillon to play a reluctant hero that's both believable and likeable. I think he did a decent job of it, but (as I said above) I'm kinda biased towards this type of character. Let's just say, I've seen people bungle this character in ways you wouldn't believe. Dillon plays the roll competently. He doesn't embarrass himself, but he doesn't earn himself a place in the Rebellious Teenager hall of fame, either.
Shawnee Smith, on the other hand...now there's an actress I could get into. (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, knowwhatImean, knowwhatImean?) And not just for obvious reasons. Here, she's playing another great caricature of 1980s horror: the traumatized heroine. She goes from head cheerleader to machinegun toting Superbitch in the course of 85 minutes. That's a transition that would make Heather Langenkamp proud. Now, Smith is no Langenkamp, but you can still get behind her because (once again) she's a competent actress doing a decent job in a not-so-fleshed-out roll.
That word, competent, just about describes this entire movie. It straddles the borderline, providing just enough fun to fill eight-five minutes of your life and yet, never rise above the sum of its parts. Co-writers Frank Darabont and Chuck Russell (who also directed things) seemed to know exactly what was needed to turn out a good B-movie. They don't try to explore any Great Themes of Literature or examine the Heart of the Human Condition. With the exception of the Evil Government Agency sub-plot, it's all Teenagers vs. Slime.
Evil Government Agency sub-plot, you say?
Yes, there is that. Here we get to the heart of the matter and see the real contrast between the two Blobs. In The Blob of the 1950s, a bunch of "no-good kids" spend the entire moving trying to convince skeptical authorities of the horror mucking around their small town. Once everyone gets a good look at the Blob in action, the residents of Small Town American came together to defeat the alien menace with good old American can-do spirit.
Not so here. Here, an Evil Government Agency, headed by the shifty Dr. Meddows (Joe Seneca), descends on the Idyllic Small Town in level 5 biohazard suits, toting machine guns and quarantining the town. I won't tell you what connection they have to this incarnation of the Blob, but, needless to say, they're much more interested in using the sinister slime as a weapon than saving lives.
The two Blobs are obvious children of their time periods. In the 50s, Small Town American united against the Blob. Cops and "punk kids" worked side by side and the local sheriff could get on the horn to the local military base with no problem. The institutions of authority that we put faith in triumphed because, by God, they're American institutions and nobody jacks with America.
Here, the institutions of authority we put faith in are useless in the face of the alien menace. So they run around fruitlessly trying to maintain the status quo. Don't close those beaches, blah, blah, blah. In the end, their efforts come to nothing, society breaks down, anarchy rules, and its up to a bunch of "no-good kids" to save the world.
Now, I don't know about you, but that's the kind of story that just warms my knickers.
A few more things before I let you go. I'd just like to point out that what I said about Chuck Russell's writing goes double for his directing. He keeps things simple and direct, with no fancy tricks or directorial eye candy to distract you from what's on screen. Good job there.
Also, props to Lyle Conway for his excellent creature FX. Let's face it, the old stop-motion Blob was cutting edge...for 1956. Twelve years old or not, Conway's Blob is much more kinetic than its cinematic father, proactively chasing its prey rather than just rolling over whatever hapless human it encounters. And you gotta love those tentacles.
You don't have to love the fistful of side characters that populate this Idyllic Small Town...but I found I couldn't help myself. Because, while they might not be interesting, they're at least recognizable. The shrewd dad (Meg's father, played by (Art LaFleur), Fran (Candy Clark), who owns the local diner; even Moss the mechanic (Beau Billingslea). Like Brian the Rebel, they're all caricatures. But through decent writing and competent acting, I enjoyed spending some time with them.
All in all, you might enjoy spending time with this movie, too. Instant classic? Hell no. Fun waste of time? Hell yes. If you want more Blob for your buck, then step right up.
