REVIEW DATE:7:24:0:0
So, where were we?
Oh yes, a new Godzilla movie coming to America. And to celebrate, the B-Masters are banding together once again, this time to take on giant monster movies, past and present.
I'm not part of the Cabal (I wanna be, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna) but that's not stopping me from jumping the gun on them. You guys do realize I'm going to bash you over the head with this until you let me join, don't you? Don't you? Don't make me review Son of Godzilla. I'll do it man, I'm crazy.
I must be crazy. After all, I just celebrated a birthday and The Black Scorpion was on my gift list. One of the last movies with special effects courtesy of the old master Willis (King Kong) O'Brian, The Black Scorpion may have great stop motion FX, but that doesn't make up for the talentless wastes that worked on every other aspect of this movie.
Well . . . okay, so maybe Richard Denning isn't all that talentless. But no matter what character he plays, he always ends up acting like a thick (headed), 1950s He-man. Here, Denning plays a scientist named "Hank".
Let me reiterate on that. Richard Denning plays a scientist. Named Hank.
Only in the 50s, people.
Anyway, Hank and his unintelligible partner, Artur Ramos (Carlos Rivas) are driving through rural Mexico. They're geologists (named Hank?) you see, and a new volcano has suddenly popped out of the ground. I say, "popped" because that, literally, is what happens. A Magic Voice informs us that the mountain formed in less then a week. So, obviously, geologists would be rushing to get to it, right?
Apparently, a volcano suddenly popping into existence isn't all that interesting, considering the dynamic duo make several stops along the way. First at a way station (where they discover smashed cars and damaged buildings), then at a small town (getting the 4-1-1on strange happenings and the standard "Your Not Going Up There, Are You?" treatment from Father The Cat), and, finally, at the hacienda of Teresa Alverez (Mara Corday). She will be your Love Interest for the remainder of the flight. Otherwise, she will serve no purpose.
Well, just in case you haven't figured it out, giant scorpions attack the hacienda halfway through the movie. Tracking them back to their nest, Hank (a scientist? Named "Hank"?) formulates that the scorpions were released from their labyrinth-like prison by the volcano and have been ravaging the countryside. Duh.
Blasting the scorpion's nest shut (such an American solution) Hank goes off to Mexico City to clumsily try and build a relationship with Teresa. That goes all to hell when the titular Black Scorpion (the largest of the swarm) crawls out of the ground and makes a b-line for the city. He is a giant monster, after all.
First off, I should mention we are also treated to the delightfully mind numbing antics of Juanito the Kid, our Odious Comic Relief. Juanito is a little boy, who, if this were a Japanese daikaiju movie, would be wearing microscopic shorts and the unfortunate name of "Kenny". Watch out for him, he'll cause some deep hurting.
Okay, acting. Right, sure. Well, Richard Denning is . . . Richard Denning. But not in the same way that Juliet Lewis is Juliet Lewis. Richard Denning is himself. That's all he really knows how to be, apparently. I really like him in Creature From the Black Lagoon, though, so I guess he (like most actors, actually) is as only strong as his script.
And the script here is weak (thanks to writers Robert Blees and David Duncan), true. But not as much of a Them! rip-off as I'd hoped. The closest thing this movie comes to Them! is when the same creepy chirps from Them! pop up on the soundtrack, usually whenever the scorpions show up.
Other then that, the script is peppered with underdeveloped, or nonexistent characters. What a surprise.
The Black Scorpion is not a good movie. Sure, O'Brian's creatures are as smooth and fluid as ever. Top notch stuff. But, to make up for that, the actors are stiff and wooden. Hell, not even the special effects hold up completely. Near the end of postproduction, the producers ran out of money. So, during the attack on Mexico City (which should be the movie's best sequence), and other assorted places, the Black Scorpion becomes a roving empty shadow matte.
Eventually, (after causing hardly any destruction) the Scorpion is lured into Aztec Stadium, and is attacked by the military. It's the final battle, before He-man Hank (action figure coming soon from Kenner) slays the bad bug for good. Now, this is an impressive, well-animated battle scene. In fact, I'd say it's one of the best stop-motion FX sequences I've ever seen.
Unfortunately, it's ruined by the fact that it's basically three scenes, use over and over again. The producers obviously didn't have enough money to shoot any more. And that's what ruins the whole thing: lack of funds. There's not enough money to write a decent script, not enough money to hire A-list actors. Not even enough money to finish the special effects.
It's sad, really.
Until you start to MST3K the movie, that is. It's idiotically easy to do. In fact, if you want a good Bad Movie experience, it's hard to go wrong here. That's worth something, at least.
Gs (out of a possible five)
MOCK O' METER
Buy The Black Scorpion. Hell, I did.