Remember when I called Orgazmo Trey Parker's Citizen Kane? Well, forget all that. I said it because I thought it sounded cool at the time and, quite frankly, because I'm stupid like that. Other critics might try to hide it when they say stupid, factually incorrect, and just plain dead-ass wrong things, but I revel in it. Not that I have much choice, given the sheer volume of stupid things that just seem to fly out of my fingertips.
But enough about that. On with the show.
Remember when I called Orgazmo Trey Parker's Citizen Kane? Well, forget all that. Now, Cannibal!: The Musical--this is Trey Parker's Citizen Kane. Filmed during (and, if the IMDb is to be believed, inspired by) his time in collage, Cannibal! is everything you've come to love about Trey Parker's work. Almost.
We begin with a quintuple homicide,
shown to us in graphic, Toxic Avenger detail. We see a crazed Alfred Packer (Parker, under
the stage-name Juan Schwartz) rip off people's arms, bite through their jugulars,
dislocate their jaws and beat them over the head with the aforementioned severed arms.
Just as Packer is about to slurp down a man's amputated tongue--
We cut to a courtroom in Lake City, Colorado, circa the 1870s. Alfred Packer, a good natured Mormon from eastern Utah, is standing trial for the murder (and subsequent cannibalism) of five other men who disappeared in the Rocky Mountains last winter as Packer led them toward Breckenridge. We're just in time to see the County Prosecutor rest his case. Tomorrow, the verdict on Packer is in and nobody in town in the least bit interested in hearing what he has to say.
Nobody that is, except for Polly Pry (Toddy Walters ) a woman who claims to be a "simple townsfolk" but obviously isn't. She visits Packer's cell, eager to hear what really happened up in those mountains. Packer refuses on the advice of his lawyer...until, that is, Polly mentions Packer's One True Love, his horse, Lee Ann.
Packer and Lee Ann lived a quiet life together in Utah. Then, one day, a small group of miners heading for Colorado hired Packer as their guide. Their previous guide, Lucky Larry, was struck by lightning. The fact that Packer doesn't know Colorado from Cirith Ungol just seems to fly over everyone's head. Since this is a Trey Parker movie, you know their road will be long, roundabout, and more than a little offensive. And, by golly, we wouldn't have it any other way, would we?
If nothing else, Cannibal shows that, yes, Parker and his friends were always this warped. They didn't start off normal and slide down the slippery slope (from Mormon Porn star Superheroes to Foul Mouthed 4th Graders). No. If anything, the troupe seems to have honest to God mellowed as they climbed the latter of fame. (Again, from Musical Cannibals to Mormon Porn star Superheroes to Foul Mouthed 4th Graders). Damn you, television. Damn you to the eternal lake of fire! May Saddam Hussein sodomise your soul, you censoring bastards!
(deep breath)
Okay, then. Welcome to the Salvador Dali version of Oklahoma. That's really the best analogy I can come up with. Watching this movie was the most fun I've had with cannibalism since Hannibal hit theaters and (unlike Hannibal) there's no icky aftertaste to sully your enjoyment of the picture.
Am I biased because of my abiding love for the work of Trey Parker? Bet your ass I am. Though, it's not like you can remain neutral about the dude's works. You either love 'um unabashedly, or they all highly offend you. And if you think South Park is offensive, take a gander at this puppy. It'll send you screaming for the hills. Or for the barren wastelands of Wyoming.
Still, this isn't art. And it certainly has nothing to say about censorship or (cue the trumpets) Freedom of Speech. This was made by a group of people who didn't give a flying shpadoinkle about the MPAA, and released by Troma. Troma, for God's sake. Troma will put it's name on anything with squirting blood. Especially if that squirting blood is played for laughs.
While its obvious who wrote (and directed, and stared in, and wrote the songs for and...ah, hell, he's John Carpenter, this guy) this thing, Cannibal's flaws are equally obvious. This is a student movie, low tech and slick. Nothing about this movie is eye-popping or jaw dropping. The direction is serviceable and nothing more. Parker points the camera at the important thing and rolls film.
As for our characters, Alfred Packer is the same overly sincere Mormon type that appears over and over again in Parker's cannon, and Parker plays him believably enough, even though he doesn't have much of a character arc. He certainly does nothing to rival Joe Young's transformation. The rest of the Packer Party is given (at best) one defining character element, and even then its tough remembering their names. Little George Noon (Parker regular Dian Bachar) wants to get rich so he can get laid. Swan (Jon Hegel) is the Eternal Optimist (and lives longer than most Eternal Optimists, I'll give him that). Miller (Jason McHugh ) is the straight man of the group. Bell (Ian Hardin) looks a lot like Swan, except he wants to be a priest and gets his leg caught in a bear trap. Matt Stone plays Humphrey.
For the first two-thirds of the movie the side characters and songs generate the bulk of the comedy, particularly the trio of trappers Our Heroes meet along the way. Their leader, Frenchy Cabazon (Robert Muratore ), is a welcome shadow for Packer, and the song the Three Trappers sing is fall-on-your-ass funny. It's neck and neck with "Hang the Bastard" for the title of "Best Song on the Non-existent Cannibal Soundtrack Album." Muratore manages to pull of what's probably the best performance in the flick as the fur-wearing heavy. He even keeps a straight face while wearing a tutu. That alone is at least worth a nod.
Then there was Polly Pry, the most underdeveloped character here, and I wouldn't bitch about it if she didn't play such an important role in things. I can't help but think her one song could've really helped to flesh her out. But, no. So she begins and ends the flick as flat as her corset makes her appear to be.
Oh, what am I yammering about? I should be yammering about cannibalism, right? Well, for a movie with Cannibal in the title, there's surprisingly little flesh eating on screen (outside of the first murder spree) and not all of it is pumped for laughs. In fact, the final fate of the Packer Party is played almost completely straight...until, that is, Packer confronts the person who was really responsible for all the carnage.
Despite their
underdeveloped characters, the actors all seem enthusiastic about their parts. They
certainly don't act like they're appearing in a low budget student movie.
Everyone gives it their all, and their all is more than enough. This isn't exactly Hamlet,
here. The Packer Party's banter is well timed and nicely done, and when the member's
one-note personalities begin to seriously chafe against each other, watch out. This is
where the real comedy begins. I never thought watching a group of people slowly freeze to
death could be so funny.
The songs (while nowhere near the rockin' good time that is "Uncle Fucka"), are sweet little ditties in their own right. Every one of them stops the plot faster than electric fences stop prison escapees, but so what? After all, so did "Uncle Fucka." And watching the townsfolk dance through the streets while singing "Hand the Bastard" will bring a smile to your face. I hope. Because if it doesn't then, there's gotta somethin' wrong with you, boy.
This is not a movie that lends itself to criticism because criticism, by its very nature, seeks out the flaws in a piece of art and then drags them kicking and screaming into the light of day. With Cannibal!, not only are those flaws well lit for all the world to see, they somehow manage to enhance the finished product instead of detracting from it.
Is it short on character? Yeah, but that's not the point. Is it lacking a message? Why, yes, thank you. Does it linger lovingly over scenes of gratuitous violence and rampant stupidity? You bet your digger ass. Like all of Parker's movies, if it doesn't offended your shorts off, Cannibal!: The Musical will make you laugh until you asphyxiate.
Now, remember, children, "shpadoinkle" can be a noun, or an adjective. Probably a verb, too. Wait, "Jack shpadoinkle down to the candy store..." No, wait, that doesn't work. Crap.
