After I reviewed the mainstream double threat of American Beauty and Dinosaur, my fellow contributor (to the breakdown of good taste), Gorelord, asked, "Doesn't your video store have any low budget horror movies?"
Well, of course. I did review Dracula vs. Frankenstein and Humanoids from the Deep, after all. You can't get much lower then that. Though, he did have a point. You probably already knew how good American Beauty was (5 Oscars, that's how) and your kids would have dragged you to Dinosaur sooner or later. On the other hand, I bet you none of your kids would pester you to rent Chopping Mall (and if they do, then that child ain't right).
In
the early scenes, we learn that 3 Protector robots (which look like potbellied stoves
mounted on tank treads) are being commissioned (along with a system of blast doors that
completely seals off the mall) to replace the security force of Rent-a-Cops at the local
mall. The Protector's (I shall call them "mini-Rush Limbaugh's") creator, Dr.
Stan, assures us Nothing Can Go Wrong. Of course, this alerts all the knowledgeable people
in the audience (and two people in the movie) that Something Will Go Wrong.
The Something comes in the form of a lightning bolt the strikes the Protector's (who look like little, shrunken, Roger Eberts) control box on the roof of the mall. Now, not to nit-pick (who? me?) but, wouldn't it make more sense to keep something that important out of the elements? Or, failing that, shield it against major electrical discharges that might, oh, I don't know, make the Protectors go insane?
And insane they do go, killing both their technicians before they're even supposed to go online. Boy, wouldn't it just suck if, say, a group of teenagers had planned some sort of party in the mall after hours? Don't you think those teenagers would be, like, dead beyond belief?
Well, what do you know? Mike (John Terlesky) and Greg (Nick Segal) are planning an after-hours party in the mattress shop. Their co-worker, Freddy the Nerd (Tony O'Dell), is against it, because, well, he's the Nerd. To shut him up, the girlfriends ( Leslie (Suzee Slater) and Suzie (Barbara Crampton), respectively) hook him up with Alison (Kelli Maroney). Joined by Rick (Russell Todd) and Linda (Karrie Emerson), our cannon fodder is complete.
As the robots go online, they proceed to break Rule Number One: three couples engage in a spot of pre-marital sex. Except, of course, Alison and Freddy. They watch Attack of the Crab Monsters. Stupid choice, but at least they get to live through the rest of the movie.
Oh, I'm sorry, did I spoil it, for you? Well, if I did, you should think about turning your membership card in at the door. While not the Slasher movie I was hoping for (there's no masked killer, just 3 squat little robots), CM follows all the standard rules. Not a surprise to be had. I dare say there's even fewer surprises in this piece of crap then in the above mentioned Humanoids from the Deep. Even the Spring Loaded Cat is cliched.
Past that, am I supposed to be afraid of these little Protectors? Yeah, right, tell me another. They generate more laughs per-minuet then any monster in recent memory. Remember that movie Short Circuit (which came out alongside this one, actually)? They look like Number 5's fat, alcoholic, older brothers, rampaging at the breakneck pace of 2 miles per hour. Plus they carry a visor in their heads that looks, kills, and makes the same noises as the death ray from War of the Worlds. Boy, I'm scared, aren't you?
Oh, and they're completely invulnerable to any form of weaponry. From revolvers to sub-machine guns, nothing brings these guys down. Man, the budget for these things must have been astronomical. To think, a mall would spend enough money on these things to outfit them with bullet proof armor . . .
With a predictable script (Thank you Steve Mitchell and director Jim Wynorski), and hideously bad creature designs, the only thing that's left to pull this movie out of the drink is the acting.
The movie is, to put it mildly, screwed. Most of the actors are on par with your average "Got Milk" commercial. The characters are obviously right off the shelf. I mean Greg gets to have a moment of good acting once Suzie becomes a blonde and dies stupidly (as all blondes do . . . did I spoil that for you?), but he dies in the next scene.
Fred and Alison are the only ones who get to live long enough to experience true character development, and they disserve kudos for that. they go from celibate nerds, to gun packing survivalists. If only they could have had sex to celebrate their victory . . .
Oh, did I spoil it for you? Good. Maybe you'll stay away from Chopping Mall and rent something worthwhile. Attack of the Crab Monsters, say.
