Occasionally, AMC throws me a bone. All I have
to do is suffer through hours of boring crap programming before, like a shinning, black
and white diamond, the good people of AMC will decide to show interesting crap
programming. Examples include The Black Scorpion and It Conquered the World. I would have never found either of these
flicks in any of my local video stores (and, for me, "local" encompasses a 50
mile radius).
Unfortunately, most of the interesting crap on AMC is consigned to those Sudden Death time slots between 12 A.M. and 5 in the morning. Thank the gods for VCR technology.
I taped The Colossus of New York several months ago, and then promptly forgot about it, as is my way. I have stacks of movies lying around my living space that I know, I'll review someday. Just not today. Lately, I've finally gotten around to reviewing these tapes (the Forgotten Ones, as my brain calls them) with surprisingly disappointing results. That's the problem with interesting crap movies: they may look interesting, but underneath that, they're still crap.
Colossus begins with renowned and respecting scientists Jeremy Spensser (Ross Conquest of Space Martin) relaxing at home with his lovely wife, Ann (Mala Powers), and son, Bratboy (Charles Herbert). Jeremy is a genius among a family of geniuses, and the darling son of famous brain surgeon, William Spensser (Otto Kruger, a long way from Dracula's Daughter). Jeremy's even about to receive an international peace prize for his work in frost resistant plants, as well as the breakthroughs in automation he's made with his brother, Henry (John Baragrey).
Well, the award goes swimmingly, and Jeremy returns to New York with his family in tow. Outside the airport, the wind snatches little Bratboy's toy plane. Jeremy, ever the doting father, chaises after the plane and gets mowed down by a truck for his trouble.
I can see the headline now: GENIUS FORGETS TO LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING STREET. Or maybe TRUCK DRIVER STRIKES BLOW FOR HUMAN DE-EVOLUTION. I'm sure the staff reporters of the Onion could think of something much better.
But don't worry. All is not lost. Jeremy's father is a brain surgeon, after all. So he ambulances his son's body to stately Spensser Manor and conducts a three hour emergency surgery in the basement laboratory. All famous brain surgeons have basement labs. Gotta get that practice in on the weekends between golf games. Wouldn't want a brain surgeon to rusty, now would you?
Three hours of surgery later, Professor Spensser emerges, looking a little dejected. We fast-forward through Jeremy's funeral, and through a four month mourning period to find "Uncle Henry" putting' the moves on Ann. True, Henry's moves are a bit...stilted, but this is 1958. (Men still wear ties while lounging around the house for Christsakes.) Anyway, along comes Dad, spoiling Herny's plans for a romantic night on the town by introducing Henry to an old friend: his brother Jeremy's brain.
Those three hours of surgery went better than the elder Spensser let on, and Jeremy's brain now resides in a nice big fish tank. But do you think Brain Surgeon Spensser will let his favorite son float around for all eternity? Hells no, there's work to be done. Jeremy still has brilliant things to do with his mighty brain. So, with Henry's knowledge of electrical engineering, Dad Spensser wires his son's brain into the body of a seven-foot tall robot.
Can you see where this is going? Of course you can. We're both jaded, 21st century people, aren't we? And we've both watched lots of cheesy 50s sci-fi, haven't we?
You have? Christ, haven't you be listening to me?
Well, obviously not, because you know the drill as well as I do. In the spirit of healthy 50s paranoia, any scientific advancement comes at a horrible, horrible price. Jeremy's best bud, John (Robert Hutton) sums up the Moral of the Story in a nice little grandstanding speech near the middle of the flick. Basically, John says, the human brain, divorced from the body (and thus, divorced from the heart, and thus divorced from the soul), will never survive. It will, instead grow cold, inhuman, and monstrous.
This is the flicks first dramatic speech. The second comes at the end, from the mouth of Dad Spensser himself as he restates and agrees with everything John said in his grandstanding speech. This is, of course, after Jeremy the Colossus has gone insane and started knocking off his former colleagues.
Oops. Hope I didn't spoil it for you. But honestly, you'd have to be Helen Keller not to see that plot twist coming. The story itself is a Frankenstein rehash, for crying out loud. The Colossus body even walks with that trademark Karloff stumble. Scientist creates monster, monster bites scientist in the ass. The only difference is that this story has a nice, happy ending tacked on, in which the monster suddenly grows a conscience and commits suicide. It'd be poignant, if it weren't so tacked on and slipshod. When's the last time you saw a villain pause in the middle of a mass slaughter to throw in the towel?
Yet, despite myself, I can't just write this one off as a rip-off. There are some good things going on here. You've got your overbearing father, your backstabbing, wife stealing brother, the whole Kane and Able thing with Kane as a 7-foot cyborg, and the ultimate cure for world hunger: a mass slaughter of the poor, hungry masses. That last bit is Jeremy's idea. Very Republican of him. It's a wonder writer Thelma Schnee didn't let him go through with it in the Eisenhower 50s. But that would've been depressing, and this picture obviously wasn't a Grade-A studio drama.
And that's what really shoots Colossus in the platform boot wearing foot. If this sucker had been given some decent studio attention, more money, and maybe some A-list actors, then we'd probably love Colossus for its story, instead of loving it because its so easy to point and laugh at the goings on. Yes, it's a movie about a scientist whose brain is wired into a giant robot but, damnit, it could work!
Just look at Robocop.
Or don't. The light from that movie kinda drowns this one out. The way the sun drowns out a flashlight.
A word about the acting, though: it isn't all bad. Special props go to Ed Wolff, for wearing that damned uncomfortable looking Colossus makeup. Kruger's Dad Spensser also does a good turn early on, only to sputter out around the time Jeremy begins his decent into Soulnessness, which is really sad. Wife Ann and brother Henry, who should be (and are) key players in all this, are played as stiffly as Jeremy's robotic face. And don't get me started on little Bratboy. He's no Kenny, but he's still evil as hell. All he needs are some micro-shorts.
Should you find Colossus at your local video store, more power to ya. I wish I lived where you do. If you're a fan of such things, then rent it and be happy. But should you find it at some ungodly hour at night, and you're not a fan of such 50s sci-fi fare, don't bother taping it. You'll only tape over it when South Park comes on.
