Home Vault Rate State Bab Link Mail |
When I reviewed Volcano, I received a note from Chris @ Stomp Tokyo, telling me how he felt both of 1997's volcano movies to be quite boring. Having never subjected myself to Dante's Peak in theaters, I had no real response for that comment at the time.
I do now. Oh yes.
Now, there is no larger enemy of disaster movies then I. Do I even have to dredge up The Poseidon Adventure? But I liked Volcano. Despite everything, it managed to entertain me. Its premise was original, its action well spaced, and its actors good. Sure they weren't given anything to do except stand around, shout, or run whilly nilly as lava rocks rained down on them, but Volcano was a disaster movie, what do you expect? Like I said, Volcano entertained me.
Dante's Peak is not Volcano. It tries to be. Oh God, how it tries. To bad, though, since this movie fails like Bart Simpson. At least it isn't directed by Mike Bay, so you'll be able to see what's going on. Now, if only something interesting would happen . . .
Okay, I'm being a bit harsh. The first five minuets are pretty neat. In them we meet Harry (Pierce Brosnan), our Scientist Who Is Right About Everything. He and a woman who is obviously his girlfriend madly dash around for awhile, before piling into Harry's truck and speeding away, huge flaming rocks raining down all the while. Just as Harry says those famous last words, "We're gonna make it," a smallish rock crashes through the roof of his truck and takes his girlfriend out. And he thought it was safe . . .
Four years later, Harry still hasn't got a chick on his arm, so he's got lots of time for work. The boss man calls him in to tell him about weird goings on around (you guessed it) Dante's Peak, and he'd like Bond, er, Harry to check it out.
Hmmm . . .nice mountain air, hot springs, chicks who are all well muscled from those hours of hiking, Tough choice, huh? So off he goes, to the quite, little ("pissant, podunk, redneck, white trash, kukers") mountain town of (you guessed it) Dante's Peak. There, Harry meats the Love Interest, er, Mayor (Linda Hamilton!!)
Hey, if you think Sarah Conner playing a disorganized single mother/mayor is strange, just you wait. You'll be amazed by the rest of this movie. Mostly, by how predicable it all is.
Back to the plot. While taking Love Interest's, er, Rachael's kids up to a hot spring (along with Grandma in tow) they discover the first two dead bodies of the movie, scalded to death. Thus, the town is put on alert, an alert Harry's Boss man promptly squashes. Ever politically minded, Boss man tells Harry to calm down, get some hard evidence, and take a vacation.
Of course, Harry doesn't leave. Big freaking surprise. Instead, he and Love Interest, oh damn, Rachel (grrrrr) get to know each other and hangs around with the Field Team.
This field team, in my humble out look, could have been a great collection of characters. Maybe I just warmed to them, since they are the ones who generate the real comedy. I say "could have" because, since this is a script written by a chimp, these characters are as thin as toilet paper. Ya know that one ply kind you find at truck stops. Yes, that thin.
In case you were wondering, yes, the volcano does erupt. And, much like in Jaws, no one believes Harry until the last minuet, when the ash starts falling and the earthquakes send the town crumbling down on its populace as they run to and fro in terror. Finally, after a solid hour of watching underwritten characters waste time talking about stuff we already know, I get to enjoy my favorite part of the disaster movie experience: people running terror as things blow up. All done with the latest in special effects. And if you enjoy FX like I do, then what a great time we live in, eh?
On the other hand, if you enjoy original stories with well-developed characters like I do, you better look somewhere else. The true weakness of Dante's Peak is its predictability. We know Hamilton will be the Love Interest. We know that no on will believe Harry until it's to late. Worse yet, scenes that are suppose to be suspenseful turn into tedious time stoppers because you already know what is going to happen. When Love Interest's stupid mother-in-law refuses to leave the town, what do you think her annoying kids will do? You guessed it: they'll go after their favorite Grandma, causing Harry and Love Interest to go chasing after them. Nice way to pad the movie, huh?
Who do we blame for this? You guessed it: Frank Stallone.
I'm joking of course. No, who do we usually blame around here? That's right, the screenwriter Thank you Leslie Bohem. Do me a favor, will ya? Thank who ever gave you that "Paint By Numbers Movie Script" kit for Christmas, too. You've managed to defy the laws of physics by wasting a full hour on character development, yet still manage to make your characters as life like as stuffed road kill.
Actors? Oh, them. Look, Brosnan is fine in his role, and I've loved everything Hamilton has done (or, at least, everything I've seen her in) but it's like that plastic surgeon in 1989's Batman. In one scene he turns to his primitive instruments and says, "You see what I have to work with here?" That's basically what every actor in this movie is doing. They do the best with what they have, and they have exactly squat.
As do I, apparently. I watch disaster movies for the same reason I cause practical jokes: so I can point and laugh. Dante's Peak isn't good enough to entertain, nor bad enough to entertain. It's just . . . there. Right smack, dab in the middle. Right smack in . . . The Tedium Zone.
RATING (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)
