.This is the world in which we live.
I've known about the happy couple for some time, but was never moved to write about it. Esquire magazine changed all that. Their annual Women We Love issue arrived today. Drew Barrymore smiles up on you from the front cover. The magazine also congratulates itself with a small insert in the upper left hand corner that proclaims "Still just $3."
Inside, the magazine features an article on Drew Barrymore that it labels an "oral history." Basically, the author of said article ran around Hollywood asking famous people to tell personal stories about their interactions with Drew Barrymore.
Why not simply interview the star herself, you ask? Because Drew Barrymore is married to Tom Green. Hence, the two are currently on honeymoon. Hence, the two are unavailable for comment.
I am an intelligent person. My last I.Q. test (admittedly three years out of date) placed my intelligence at or around 120 points.
I am a relatively clean person. I
shower and shave on a regular basis. I brush and floss. I vacuum when needed, scrub when
necessary and put all my dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Sometimes I even turn the
dishwasher on.
I write movie reviews for a website that is visited by the same fifty people every few weeks. I write odd pieces of prose fiction about giant monsters and teenagers that can warp the fabric of time and space. I show the latter to no one but my inner circle of trusted friends. I hang the former from a digital laundry line for all the world to see.
I am a courteous person. I'm kind to people, unless they to annoy me. I can hide my
annoyance for someone with extraordinary grace. I listen when others talk and offer advice
only when it is requested. I pay for my date’s dinner. I engage beautiful women in
conversation. I engage average looking women in conversation. I define "beautiful
woman" as "any woman with whom I can share a five minute conversation (who isn't
a bulbous, 
neurotic, emotional
leach)." There is no such thing as an "average" woman, as every woman is
extraordinary in some way, even if she is an extraordinary bitch.
I respect women. I respect people. Unless those people, or those women, have no respect for themselves.
I will keep my loved ones secrets. Forever.
I carry a condom in my wallet. I am not a militant anything. I am not a spendthrift. I am not a tight-ass. I do not eat overly possessed food. I do not impulse buy. I do not window shop. I do not kick animals unless they get in my way.
I do not host a thirty-minute
"comedy" prank show that is broadcast nationally on a popular basic cable
channel. I do not act like an asshole in public for the express purpose of filming the
embarrassed reactions of passersby so that I might later broadcast their embarrassment to
the entire country. I have never humped a dead moose by the side of the road. I have never
spent a day with Monica Lewinsky. My balls are firmly in place. My bum is not on the
cheese.
And yet, Drew Barrymore is married to Tom Green.
And this is the world in which we live.
--9:2:0:1