REVIEW DATE:8:13:9:9

This bad boy right here marks my 100th written review! Everybody get your noise makers out!

Yes, it's another Evil Dead review. Hey, maybe other web sites simply compare every zombie movie to The Evil Dead but I'm going that extra step by actually reviewing it. Besides, what better movie to review on Friday the 13th?

The Evil Dead is violent, horrible, bloody, toxically gory, terrifying, and hideous to the point of almost being unwatchable. And this is me talking here!

Damn, do I love this movie.

Not as much as I'd hoped I would, but I love it.

It takes a lot to scare me, ladies and germs. It hasn't happened since I saw The Fly in a theater near me, way back in 1985. A lot to scare me, but when it happens, I better make damn sure that I own that movie and wear it in my heart of hearts (a copy of The Fly is currently collecting dust on my video shelf, just waiting for Halloween). I am now a proud owner of The Evil Dead.

Like I said, I love this movie.

You, however, are a different story.

Every time I see a movie, I try to put myself in the shoes of the average movie watcher. What would the world at large think of this movie? To whom would it appeal the most? It's not easy, sometimes I have to rack my brain and search my soul to answer the question Just who would find this entertaining? This is not one of those times. There is only one group of people who would even consider watching 40 minuets of The Evil Dead, to say nothing of the entire picture. That would be people like me, those that love to be scared and horrified. And have strong stomachs.

If you're one of those people who puked during Scream then you'd better just forget about it right here. Go read something else. The rest of you: don't move a muscle.

As the credits roll, we find 5 people driving up to a cabin the in woods (original, no?). Guess it's time for one of those grammar-defying sentences where we meet our characters. Here goes. There's Ash (Bruce Campbell), who loves Linda; Scott (Hal Delrich), Mr. Joker; Linda (Betsy Baker), who loves Ash; Cheryl (Ellen Sandweiss), Ash's sister, the artsy-fartsy chick; and Shelly (Sarah York), Scott's chick.

Shorter the usual, wasn't it? Yeah, and that's my complaint with this movie. I'll go into more detail after I'm done with this plot.

So they go to a cabin, followed, of course, by the Evil POV cam. There must be one of these in every horror movie since Halloween. Thanks, Carpenter. At least it's Sam (The Quick and the Dead) Raimi's Evil POV cam, which is something. Once to there happy secluded mountain cabin they find some strange stuff in the basement, including a shot gun, chainsaw, and a book bound in human flesh and written in human blood. Spooky!

Fortunately, this Book of the Dead is written in an ancient language that none of them know how to read. Unfortunately, the former owner of this cabin was an anthropologist who could read the book, and left and handy tape recording of its contents, which our characters, being stupid, play.

Sho'nuf, as soon as they read the book, weird stuff starts a-brewing. The breaker comes when Cheryl fallows a weird voice into the woods (without a flashlight) and is raped by a bunch of trees. No, I did not make that up, it's actually on screen. Nice lingering shot of it, too. Thanks, Raimi; you're a prince.

Running back to the cabin in terror, Cheryl immediately wants to haul ass out of there. Thankfully, she isn't convinced that it was all a dream. Thank God, she isn't totally stupid. Not that it matters, once Ash does drive her to the bridge that leads down the mountain they find it destroyed. "It won't let us leave!!" Cheryl screams at the top of her lungs. Still wondering what's up with sis, Ash takes her back to the cabin.

This proves to me a mistake, as, once back, Cheryl becomes possessed by the demons released by reading the Book. Like an infection, this possession spreads from one person to the next, turning normal people into vicious, cannibalistic demons. After playing more of the tape, Ash discovers that the only way to cure this infection is by total, bodily dismemberment.

It is for that dismemberment that The Evil Dead is notorious. When demons are being hacked apart, there are no jump cuts, no edits, and no punches pulled. Squeamish is something that Raimi is not. You will see four people chopped apart in various disgusting ways. Plus, in the world of The Evil Dead, the human body contains 10 gallons of blood, all of which is under fire hydrant-like pressure. When limbs fly, blood with spray. And spray. And spray.

God, I love this movie.

You, however, might be a different story.

Above, I mentioned I have one complaint about Evil Dead, here it is: these characters are nothing but sacks of meat.

Raimi isn't squeamish, and he isn't a character writer either. He fills this script up to its eyebrows with action. But character? Nope, sorry, better luck next time. I mean, Ash loves Linda, and that's his only character trait. That's it, okay, time to kill some zombies. Excuse me, I'm sorry, but this story is supposed to be about one man surviving a small trip through Hell's suburb. Wouldn't this movie have even more emotional impact if we cared about the character? Yes? And wouldn't we care about him if we knew more about him? Yes? No? Guess not; time to kill some zombies.

And those zombies . . . whoa. Be prepared because these are some evil, disgusting little undead bastards, with a propensity for spewing vomit. And if that doesn't convince you to stay away from this movie, then nothing will.

Short on character though it may be, Evil Dead tricks you into care about these characters. It's hard not to care with someone who suffers this kind of horror. I mean, Ash has to kill and bury his own girl friend. Now that's horror, and it packs an emotion punch. Bruce Campbell makes that punch very evident in his part as Ash. He starts out as a normal guy, put through the worst possible night anyone could have. Again, it's hard not to care.

Short on character, but big on horror, The Evil Dead is for hardcore horror fans only. Everyone else, go to bed and have some pleasant dreams.

RATING (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)

HORROR IN ALL ITS HIDEOUS GLORY.