Joe Camel: I Choose You!

A Pokemon Fan-Fic by Dr. Psy Chosis

EXT. FOREST. DAY.

ASH, MISTY, BROCK and PIKACHU are lounging in a forest clearing, sitting on rocks. ASH has one shoe off. PICKACHU is sitting on ASH'S head. (The one on his shoulders, fortunately. There are some sick individuals who write sexual Pokémon stories, some of which contain a bizarre kind of human-Pokémon bestiality. There are some things even I try not to imagine.)

ASH (eyeing the hole in his shoe): My shoes are worn through.

BROCK: Well, what do you expect? We've been walking around the world in ever episode and none of us ever change clothes.

MISTY: I change my pads.

ASH: Misty! This is a kid's show, ya know. Jesus.

PIKCACHU: Pika-ewww.

MISTY: (muttering) Well, they've got to learn about it some time, you know.

ASH: But...we're a clean kid's show.

BROCK: Oh, grow up, shorty. And stop whining. Christ, you're annoying.

MISTY: Hey! Don't pick on him.

BROCK: Just because you want to fuck him? Well, go ahead. I'll go behind those trees and stick my fingers in my ears. Pikcachu can go with me.

PIKCACHU: Pika?

ASH: Oh and what will you be doing behind the bushes, Brock?

PICKACHU: Pika?

BROCK: Blow me, compost pile.

PICKACHU: Pika?

ASH (sniffs his armpit): Speak for yourself. (sniffs again) Damn. (Takes his backpack of, begins to dig, muttering) Deodorant...deodorant...

PICKACHU: Pika?

BROCK: Forget it, I already looked. None of us packed any hygiene products. Not even a toothbrush. In all this time, after all these meals, we've never brushed our teeth once.

MISTY (rubs her teeth with her finger): Ewww...

PICKACHU: Pika?

BROCK: Ash, will you *please* shove a cork in that thing?

(offscreen voice): You shouldn't speak to your Pikachu that way.

(The MAIN CHARACTERS jump up from their seats. We do one of those freeze-frame close-ups of them as they all stare at:)

(TEAM ROCKET. JESSIE is wearing a scarf formerly know as MEOWTH.)

MISTY: It's Team Rocket!

ASH: Duh.

JAMES: Prepare to die, Poke-fucks-!

MISTY: Ewww, naughtily language. This is a kid's show!

JESSIE (mutters): Well, they've got to learn about it some time, ya know....

JAMES (continued): We have found the *ultimate* Pokemon. One that will defeat your pathetic poke-pukes!

BROCK: Would you quit with the "poke-hyphen" insults? They got annoying around episode number 2.

JAMES: Shut up, poké-dork! Jessie, let 'um have it.

JESSIE (Pokéball materializes in his hand): Joe Camel! I choose you!

(She throws the Pokéball. A knee-high replica of Joe Camel appears, clad in his trademark leather jacket, jeans, Camel cigarettes T-shirt, and mirrored shades, a camel cigarette (unfiltered, of course) pokes from the corner of his snout, glowing strongly)

(CLOSE UP ON: JOE CAMEL'S mirrored shades. BROCK'S, MISTY'S, and ASH'S startled faces are reflected in them. JOE CAMEL raises and eyebrow and blows smoke through his nostrils.)

JOE CAMEL: Cool and refreshing.

ASH: All right, fine. If that's the way it's gonna be…and after we kick your butts, we'll take your boots, too. (Grabs a Pokéball). Squirtle, I chose you! (Throws. SQUIRTLE materializes.)

SQUIRTLE: Squirtle.

BROCK: Such deep dialogue…

JESSIE: Joe Camel, use your emphazima gas attack!

(Close up on JOE CAMEL. He plucks the cigarette from his mouth and gives a cocky half-smile.)

ASH: Squirtle, use your-

(Too late. JOE rears back his head and lets loose a deep brown cloud of thick smog from his nose. The gas surrounds SQUIRTLE, who rears up on his hind legs and begins to clutch at his throat. No good. SQUIRTLE falls on his back, kicking his hind legs in the air helplessly. His arms fall to his sides revealing a gapping hole in his throat. The flesh has turned from its normal aqua color to an inky black. The color of cancerous tissue.)

ASH: Oh, my God! They killed Squirtle!

MISTY: You bastards!

BROCK: (mutters) Oh, that's original.

PICKACHU: (surprised) Pika!

ASH: You won't get away with that, Team Rocket!

JESSIE: (sarcasm) I'm shaking in my new Meowth coat. (Faces the camera) Another Joe Camel special.

JAMES: Just hand over the Pickachu before we turn you all into boiling puddles of cancer. Joe Camel will make Jerry's kids look fit for the Olympic 400-meter race when he gets done with you.

ASH: That's it. Time for the big guns! (pulls out a Pokeball) Charizard, I choose you!

(He throws the Pokeball. Charizard materializes. Close up on CHARIZARD. He spits a fireball out of the corner of his mouth and throws a sidelong glance at JOE CAMEL.)

(Close up on JOE CAMEL. He raises and eyebrow over his mirrored shades.)

(PULL BACK. JOE CAMEL's torso is in frame. He SLOWLY reaches into his jacked and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. Flips it open and removes a smoke, very...slowly... He's *cool*)

(JOE won't be cool for long. CHARIZARD rears back lets loose a blast of fire that engulfs JOE completely. The assault lasts for five seconds before CHARIZARD closes his mouth.)

(ON CHARIZARD: Smoke blows from the dragon's nostrils)

(CUT TO: A smoke cloud where JOE CAMEL stood. Some grass is still burning. The smoke clears and reveals JOE, completely unhurt. The tips of his jacket are smoking. The cigarette in his mouth is now burnt to a stump. He spits the smoldering butt out.)

(CLOSE UP on JOE: He's pissed. You can tell by the way his eyebrows knit together. A smug looking CHARIZARD is reflected in his shades.)

(PULL BACK: JOE's torso again. He slips a hand in to his leather jacket and pulls out another pack of cigarettes, blackened and ashy. He SHAKES the ash away, revealing a pack's worth of lit cigarettes. The tips glow brightly.)

(JOE slips the entire pack of cigarettes into his mouth, burning ends first. He REARS BACK, and spits the cigarettes out. CIGARETTE POV as they fly through the air, landing in CHARIZARD's mouth)

(The dragon bites down on the pack's worth of still burning cigarettes as they begin to burn at an accelerated rate. In seconds, the lit smokes are nothing but glowing butts and CHARIZARD has turned a sickly green color.)

(The butts fall from CHARIZARD's slack jaws.)

(CUT TO: the ground. The butts fall in a small pile in the foreground. FOCUS SHIFTS to the background, and we see CHARIZARD fall behind them.)

JESSIE: That's it, Joe. The Cancer Stick attack always brings 'um down. Now finish the job.

(CUT TO: The main cast, eyes wide with shock.)

(CLOSE ON PIKACHU)

PIKACHU (enraged): Pika! (He drops to four legs and rushes towards JOE)

ASH: Pikachu, no!

BROCK: Like he's ever listened to you before...

(CUT TO: PIKACHU moving at top speed. The dimples on his cheeks begin to spark)

PIKACHU: Pika--!

(PIKACHU jumps into the air, the charge around him builds...builds)

(ASH sets off after him, arms pumping. He pulls a Poke-ball from his jacket, ready to save Pikachu once again.)

PIKACHU:-CHU!

(PIKACHU lets fly.)

(CUT TO: An aerial shot of the clearing. We see a gigantic ball of yellow lightning inflating like a balloon. Soon, it covers the entire clearing. Electricity scorches the air)

(The electric ball winks out. CUT TO: the clearing, ground level. We see two twisted, scorched corpses clothed in the burning remains of Team Rocket's uniforms.)

(CUT TO: Close up on Brock and Misty. Their bodies are blistered and pealing. Their hair is on fire. Brock's lips are burnt off. He smiles into the camera. Misty is lying face down in the dirt. Her back looks like an Arizona desert.)

(CUT TO: The grinning skull face of another corpse. All the skin is gone from its face. The flesh has turned black. A smoldering baseball cap sits on the skull's head.)

(PULL BACK TO REVEAL: ASH's body, lying on his chest with his head forward, arms outstretched. The poke-ball is still in his hand, undamaged.)

(CUT TO: PIKACHU. He lies on the ground, gasping. That took a lot out of him. A black, leather boot enters the edge of the frame.)

(PIKACHU'S POV: Travels up the boot, up the leather pants, up to the black leather jacket, zipped almost to the collar. Up still into the face of JOE CAMEL. )

JOE: (Raises an eyebrow. He's completely unharmed.)

PICKACHU: (exhausted) Pika...

(BACK TO JOE. He takes a drag off his cigarette, lets out a puff of smoke, and, slowly, takes off his sunglasses.)

(Behind the shades, JOE'S eyes are hypnotic whirlpools of red and black, moving around and around and around and around...)

(BACK TO PICKACHU. His eyes mirror Joe's, red and black and spinning. He slowly climbs to his feet, boneless and mindless.)

(JOE reaches into his jacket and holds out a pack of cigarettes. Camels. Unfiltered, of course. He waves them suggestively.)

(PIKACHU accepts the cigarettes listlessly. He's completely in JOE's trance. He takes one from the pack and puts it in his mouth, JOE lights it. PIKACHU begins to smoke...and smoke...and smoke. He consumes the entire cigarette in one long drag. His face turns green. His entire body turns green and PIKACHU keels over dead. His eyes have become little black "X"s.)

(JOE replaces his sunglasses and steps over PIKACHU's body. He stops and bends down next to ASH's body, taking the poke-ball from ASH's burnt hand. ASH's charred fingers snap off and cling to the ball.)

(Brushing the blackened finger pieces from the poke-ball, JOE smiles. He throws the poke-ball into the air and catches it easily. He begins to whistle the Pokemon theme song as he walks into the woods, leaving corpses in his wake.)

FADE OUT

THE END.