In theaters, the Jerry (Armageddon) Bruckheimer
production of Gone in 60 Seconds has already come and gone. So fast, in fact, that
all I had to do was blink and, bang, Scary Movie had taken its place. It's a Jerry
Bruckheimer flick, what do you expect?
However, I didn't expect to find the original, 1974 version of Gone in 60
Seconds at my local Movie Gallery. "Damn, I'm lucky," I said to myself. I
was wrong.
So very, very wrong.
Folks, I have reviewed some bad movies in my time with you. But, Jesus
Christ, this one is it. It's just . . . I . . . hold on a second will ya . . .?
Okay, I'm back. That happens from time to time. I think this movie killed some
important brain cells. What the hell are all you people doing in my room again?
Oh, right, I write movie reviews. Okay. Yeah. I can do that, sure. Um . . . I'm
supposed to tell the plot, right? Yeah. Okay.
Writer/director/producer/Prince of Darkness H.B. Halicki plays Maindrian Pace, car
thief for hire. One day, he and his marry band of incoherent yahoos is contracted to steal
40 cars in under a week. As Maindrian makes off with number 40 (a 1973 Ford Mustang Mach
I), he's spotted by the cops, and so begins the infamous 40 minute chase scene, once the
longest continuous car chase in movie history. This chase is the only reason this movie
exists, and the only reason why it should not be sought out and burned this minute.
Oh, hell, what am I saying? This movie does not disserve to exist. It should be burned,
and its ashes should be shot into the sun. This movie is a piece of crap in every sense of
the world. The very fact that I've watched it makes me feel soiled and dirty. If H.B.
Halicki weren't already dead, I'd kill him myself. Hell, I might just dig his body up and
reanimated it so I can choke him to death all over again. It might not bring back the 98
minuets of my life his creation wasted, but it'll make me feel better, damnit!
Why, you ask? What could possible cause me to hate this movie so much?
Let's start with acting. Where the hell is it? I've seen 4th graders read lines better
then these idiots. Not to mention the fact that the sound quality of this movie is so bad
half the item I can't even tell what the hell these people are saying. So I'm stuck, for
58 minuet, staring at a bunch of weirdoes (marveling at the hideous fashion sense of 1974)
as the talk incoherently about things I don't give a crap about.
Oh, by the way, that plot summary up there? That's not a summary. What you see there is
what you get in the movie.
Of course, there are times when Halicki tries to inject some character into his
characters, or maybe a joke here and there. These efforts are fumbled so badly, one might
thing Halicki used to play for (insert your least favorite football team here). And since
you can't hear anything these people are saying anyway, what the hell is the point?
But wait, there's a 40-minute car chase at the end. Big goddamn deal. I don't give a
crap about anybody involved in it. Maindrian is a jerk. And he's an idiot, too. What, am I
supposed to be so overwhelmed by the fact that Mr. Halicki manages to destroy 93 cars that
I automatically forgive the movie for spending 58 minuets setting these characters up into
a situation I know nothing and care nothing about?
And, after the chase is over, am I supposed to forgive the movie for not even
bothering to resolve its plot?
Well, I guess that would mean it would have to have a plot to being with.
All this means that trying to get enjoyment out of Gone in 60 Seconds is like
trying to squeeze grape juice out of a raisin. Or watching Armageddon without
laughing so hard my lungs run out of oxygen. I wouldn't wish this movie on my worst enemy.
Rush Limbaugh, Lenord Maltin, Newt Gingrich, Roger Corman, Bob Dole, Joel
Schumacher, Pat Buchanan, Albert Pyun . . . I hate these people from the bottom of
my heart, but not even I would inflict this movie on them.
For God's sake, I don't want to sink to their level.
Is Gone in 60 Seconds the worst movie I've ever seen? Oh, hell yes. Batman and Robin, Raiders of the Sun,
Nemesis . . . these are all disgusting pieces of crap, but
at least they were funny. But this . . . I didn't know movies this low on the
evolutionary scale were allowed to exist. Stay away from this movie, for all the tortures
of Hell could not possible touch this sucker.
Is Gone in 60 Seconds the worst movie ever made? I hope so, man. But, if it
isn't, I don't want to find out what is.
