REVIEW DATE:12:25:9:9
I was listening to the newest musical offering from South Park (Mr. Hanky's Christmas Classics) when it hit me: I needed a Christmas movie. It was one of those deep itches I just had to scratch. Halloween rolled by without any feelings whatsoever. Come Thanksgiving there was nothing (besides, name a Thanksgiving movie that doesn't have a cartoon mouse). But Christmas? Christmas was the big one. I had to have a Christmas movie.
Gremlins sprang to mind immediately.
So here I sit, listening to something that's decidedly un-Christmas (The Spawn Album) with the perfect Christmas movie for all ages.
Oh sure, there's no happy, uplifting message about how much good one man can do for a city. There's no angels, no ghosts, and certainly no crippled English brats. What we have here is a whole buttload of ugly little monsters running around and causing chaos.
What's that you say? It's not Christmasy? How could you possibly think that? These Gremlins know all about the true meaning of Christmas: they get drunk and break things. If that isn't the true spirit of Christmas, I don't know what is.
On to the story. Rand Peltzer (Hoyt Axton) is an inventor. His card reads, "Fantastic Ideas for a Fantastic World." His motto is, "I make the illogical logical." None of his inventions ever work, of course, but he keeps on trucking'. Kinda sad, really. Mr. Peltzer needs a Christmas gift for his son and, since this is a family movie, a Real Doll just won't do.
Visiting a little "junk store in China Town", he finds a Mogwai, apparently the only one of its kind in the world. Yet, even with $200 on the table the storeowner (Keye Luke, stand out of the movie) won't sell. Thankfully, the storeowner's stupid kid agrees to sell, anyway. All you have to do is remember to (1) Keep him away from water, (2) Keep him out of sunlight and (3) Never, never, never ever feed him after midnight.
Of course, no one in the movie asks why these rules are in place. Finding out is half the fun, right? Right.
To Kingston Falls USA we go. There, we meet Billy (Zach Galligan), Rand's son. Between drawing comic strips, defending his dog from the town bitch, he somehow finds time to work at the town's bank and support his family. As we meet him, with his "aw-shucks" home-town-boy charm, he's trying to put the moves on the delightfully one-dimensional Kate (Phoebe Cates), who will be our love interest for the movie. This concludes our cast, we now return you to the plot.
Dear old dad comes home, Mogwai (whom he has named Gizmo) in tow. Gizmo, a great piece of anamatronic puppetry, is, to use Bill's words, "really neat". Thanks to the great technical minds at Amblin Gizmo not only comes alive, he becomes truly believable and the best character in the movie. He alone is worth stuffing this into your stocking.
Unfortunately, Billy soon finds out why those rules apply to Gizmo. His idiot buddy, Pete (Corey Feldman) accidentally spills some water on Gizmo, causing the apparently asexual little dude to birth 5 new Gizmos. Only there's a distinctly sociopathic bent to the new ones. Thanks to that, and a little property damage, Billy soon feeds them after midnight.
Afterward, the 5 creatures enter cocoons and emerge as foot tall, reptilian beasties with an appetite for destruction. In one of the movies best scenes, they invade the Peltzer kitchen, forcing Mom to get medieval on their scaly asses. Eventually, the leader Gremlin (Stripe) finds his way to the YMCA ("It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A!") pool, birthing several hundred other Gremlins who proceed to go for a night on the town.
As monsters go, these little creatures give off a real creepy crawly vibe. They're small enough to slip past you unseen, but large enough to cause some real damage And, despite being a little stiff in the arms, the puppets that bring them to life look startlingly realistic.
But, despite the destruction (and Kate's disturbingly out of place monologue about her father) there's a liberal amount of comedy in Gremlins. The bar scene being the best damn thing in the whole movie. No great movie should be without a great bar scene, so sayeth me.
There are no angels in Gremlins. No grand messages about one dude making a difference (though Bill is one dude, and he does make a difference). But the human acting is good and the Gremlin acting even better. Characters of both species could use some more character. I guess Chris Columbus couldn't find a place to stick that in between the explosions and the laughs.
Still, it's a fun movie, with fun monsters and a fun time to be had by all. And did I mention fun might be involved?
Oh, and by the way, Merry Christmas, movie house.
Gs
MOCK O' METER
Contribute to the Make Dr. Psy Rich fund. Buy Gremlins from Amazon.com.