Okay, you do not go into a movie called Humanoids from the Deep with high expectations. But I saw a banner on the box that read "Roger Corman" classics, and I just couldn't stop myself. The temptation to rail on my old nemesis was to great.
I got an extra treat when I discovered my copy of Humanoids began with and interview between Corman and my other old nemesis, Leonard Maltin. Both pontificate about the movie for awhile, Maltin more so then Corman. Corman looks a little uncomfortable, too, but that's not the point. The point is, Corman spends most of the interview talking about how showing to much of your low budget monster can be a bad thing. Boy, Corman, you really know how to set the trap for yourself.
The actual movie begins in a small California fishing town, enjoying it's yearly boost thanks to the salmon making their way back to the sea. Of course, things don't get to far before people's dogs (apparently, dogs help you catch salmon, news to me) start turning up with their guts ripped out. We know because we get to see those dogs in nice, gooey detail. Thanks, movie.
This little town (let's just call it "Amity") is also getting a boost from the local Evil Capitalist this season, who plans to build a cannery near the town. This, of course, angers the local Native American population (both of them).
But that's just stuff that happens. And really, who cares? You want blood, gore, and mutated fish men, right? Right. Okay.
If you're looking for fish men, that's the one thing Humanoids has in spades.
Predictably (far to predictably) the Humanoids lurch from the oceans and streams to devour men and rape women. And, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, we get to see it, too. Aren't you so glad? Boy, you don't know fun until you've seen women sexually assaulted by fish men.
Yep, Humanoids gives you this little visual treat in explicit detail (or, at least, as explicit as you can get within the bounds of an R rating). It's f*cking disgusting, people.
6 murder/rap scenes and 8 hours (no way this movie is only 80 minuets) later, our man of action, Jim (Doug McClure), the Indian Chief, John Eagle (Anthony Penya) and scientist Dr. Susie Drake (Ann Turkel), the designated hero. Dr. Susie created the monsters after being forced by the Evil Capitalist to tinker with salmon DNA. Other fish ate the super-salmon and mutated into the Humanoids. Dr. Susie believes that these creature's next stage of evolution involves mating with human and, oh wow, there's a giant celebration planed tonight for the salmon festival, filled with ripe human females. Will our humans . . .
Oh, hell, of course they will. You know it and I know it. Let's just get to the critique.
If Corman is good at one thing, then that thing is defiantly showing to much of his low budget monsters. He did it in The Day the World Ended, Teenage Caveman, and It Conquered the World (you know, the one I liked). Here, his directorial protégé, Barbara Peters does the same thing. Thanks to a bunch of bad day-for-night shots, we get to see the painfully obvious fact that these monsters are (like every other Corman monster) guys in rubber suits. Especially the face. With it's immobile lips, glassy eyes, and giant, descended brain, the Humanoids look dead. And their damn arms keep changing size. What the hell is up with that?
The script by Martin B. Cohen and Frederick James is a hybrid cross between Creature from the Black Lagoon and the infamous movie Horror at Party Beach, carried to the extremes of the 1980s. Carnage candy. The money obviously went into gore and flayed body parts. And I don't think I'm going to far out on a limb to say that these two might have some women's issues.
It sure as hell didn't go into hiring actors. All the "actors" here are your standard bottom feeders, walking around, looking even worse then the scaly monsters they're trying to escape. Only Doug McClure manages to gather up anything close to a human emotion: He yells.
But the worst thing, the absolute worst thing about Humanoids from the Deep is its predictability. If you think someone is going to die, then you're right. I successfully predicted 6 kills before the free-fer-all massacre at the end. Without a good script, actual acting, or nudity you can stare at (f*ckin' sick, dude!) the only reason to watch this movie is to see who will die. But everyone you expect to die does. And they take far to long to do it. As Tom Servo once said, "Can we just fast forward to the kill?"
With no cool monster, enjoyable nudity, good acting, or surprises, Humanoids is the best example of Hell this side of Batman and Robin. Stay away. We're talking about your soul here, people.
Gs (out of a possible five)
MOCK O' METER
Wanna buy? Then you're a sick bastard.