REVIEW DATE: 12:4:9:9
Actually, the guys @ Stomp Tokyo were wrong. When you think of giant monsters two names jump to mind: Godzilla and King Kong. But, they did have a point when they said, "people will try to piggy-back on that success with rip-offs of their own". Like Konga, for instance.
I was talking to a friend of mine and asked, "Which Bad Movie should I review: Konga or Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster?" Both suffer from poor suitmation special effects, both have silly plots and both were done on a budget that might (if you stretched) buy a six pack of very high-class beer. Guinness, perhaps.
His reply: "Konga, abso-friggin-lutely! A G movie is still a G movie, even if it's a bad movie, but the public MUST be warned about the horror that is Konga!"
So, here I am. And here you are, o' public of mine. Let's start the warning, shall we?
After the credits roll, we see a plane crash into a nice, probably African, jungle. "Okay," I said. "Ten seconds and we have a plane crash. The movie can't be that bad.
That's what you think, the voice in my head told me. Remember, dude, this thing is British!
Yes, indeed. Like most of the worst daikaiju movies, Konga is so thoroughly, wonderfully, and stupidly British. Characters are stuffy and intellectual. They have the habit of walking around spouting stuffy, intellectual dialogue which, regardless of their age, always makes them sound like thirty-something-English teachers. And I'm watching this of my own free will, people. Can you smell the insanity?
The plane carries Dr. Decker, a botanist and a damn familiar looking one too. I wracked my brain, and consulted friends to find out just who the hell this guy was. It was like an itch on the place in your back you can never reach. It was so damn annoying! With every line he spoke I practically shouted "Who are you?" at the TV. Then the credits rolled and I finally realized, "Dude, that's Michael Gough. Michael--fu*kin'--Gough!
Who is Michael--f*ckin'--Gough, you might ask? Why, he's none other then Alfred from 1989's Batman. While Adam West was off being ambiguously gay, this is what Gough was doing to pay his bills. Of course, he probably looked on this as a serious roll in a serious movie. That thought scares me. Very, very much.
Enough stalling. I'll be reliving this plot in my nightmares anyway. So, Decker crashes in the jungle and gets lost in the woods. About a year latter he crawls out, none the worse for ware, and carrying a little chimp he calls Konga in his arms. His secretary/assistant/shag partner, Margaret (Margo Johns) is waiting for him, having burned his candle for a year. But she's might distressed that he seams bent on working, and not givin' her some lovin'.
Unfortunately, this "character development" is tabled. Decker has something cooking in the oven. While in Africa, he found "plants with animal properties", which he intends to cross breed and prove a missing link between animal and plant life. Sound like Doc Deck is coocoo for coco puffs? Well, that's what Dean Foster (Austin Trevor) thinks, too. He calls Decker into his office and tells him to get some rest. Forget about all this missing link rubbish. Decker doesn't exactly take this as constructive criticism.
Seams Dean Foster didn't reckon with the power of Decker's bad side. By this time, Decker as already used several growth serums to grow Konga to gigantic size. The serums are so powerful that they don't just cause Konga to grow, the cause him to mutate so he looks just like a man in a costume store Gorilla suit. Incredible, I say. Wasting no time, Decker soon conditions Konga to fallow his orders, and sends the big ape to kill, kill, kill.
Margaret, not nearly as stupid as her dialogue suggests, figures out who offed the Dean and confronts Decker about it. The Doc informs her that she's an accessory to everything and, should she go to the cops (that's "Bobbies" to you) she'd be in just as much do-do herself. Margaret promptly does the only smart thing to do . . . she asked to be Decker's wife.
Yes, I know. I scratched my head, too. Well, actually, I waved my hand at the screen and said, "Hey, lady! He just used a giant monkey to kill someone! Did we suddenly forget this? Huh? Hello! Is anybody home in there?!!
Guess not. Oh, well. Murder, it seams, is addictive to good Mr. Decker. Is a scientist about to steal your thunder? Well, no problem, dude! Is a student giving you crap a school? Well, now, a few words in Konga's ear and we can fix that right up.
The student in question is one Bob Kenton (Jess Conrad), the horny toad boyfriend of a very hot, very blonde, very female, very stupid student of Decker's named Sandra Banks (Claire Gordon). Mad with jealousy, Bobby boy makes the mistake of trying to take Decker in a fight. It comes to a draw and both vow to be men about it and forget the whole deal. Of course, that night, Konga strangles Bob, so we know how much of a man Decker is.
Ever the opportunists, Decker invites Sandra to his house. Bringing her to his greenhouse, Decker becomes . . . shall we say, horny? Seeing this, Margaret gives Konga a mega dose of the growth juice. Getting in touch with his anger, Konga trashes the lab, kills Margaret and beings his rampage. After 80 minuets of tedium, we finally get our giant monster.
Yes, it's the attack of the fifty-foot gorilla suit (he said, swiping that one from the IMDb). The suit, as it stands, is one up from the expressionless, red head of King Kong vs. Godzilla, but one down from the Rick Bakker suit of 1975's King Kong. But he's still a man in a gorilla suit.
It's the damnedest thing. Michael--fu*kin'--Gough could be a good actor. He is, in fact. But he needs actual lines to say instead of, well, these. He's got the face of an actor, but not even he can make these lines dramatic. At most, they become not so laughable. And sympathy? Forget it.
Margo Johns is probably saddled with the worst character of the bunch. We know enough about her to be interested, but then she does something totally out of character, making us shake our heads and go, "Huh?" Take her conscience for instance. After the first murder she has a spot of conscience, but then, when Decker agrees to marry her, it suddenly goes bye, bye. She becomes just as amoral as Decker, doing an about-face. Add to this the fact that she looks like she's reading cue cards and you have a character as sympathetic as Satan.
Konga, as you might guess, is not my favorite monster movie. Hell, me liking this movie is about as radical an idea as faster then light travel. Pass Konga like you'd pass a guy doing 40 on the interstate. In fact, run this movie down with your car.
Gs (out of a possible five)
MOCK O' METER
