And
then there was this. The infamous Left Behind series, which has become a staple on
ever Good Christian's bookshelf from Maine to Cally. Or so the positive reviews at Amazon
tell me.
The negative reviews denounce the series as being another attempt by pop, pseudo-Christianity to break into the mainstream. I say pseudo-Christianity because, let's face it, the makers of movies like this (along with bands like D.C. Talk and their ilk) are just too Evil to be the kind of people Jesus would hang with. How else can you explain the mind numbing badness of the "art" these people produce?
Don't get me wrong; I'm all for making a joyful noise. But not if you're tone deaf. And I'm all for using the medium of movies to talk about things like Faith and God and such. What I'm not for is talking about such heavy issues in such an offhand, un-involving and just plain stupid manner. And I'm one hundred percent against dressing up masturbatory sermonizing in the guise of actual drama.
The Left Behind novels are (supposedly--these books just aren't my bag, baby) an attempt to modernize the story of the much-maligned End Times. So we open in Israel with Fictional News Network reporter Buck Williams (Kirk "Mike Seaver" Cameron) standing in a wheat field with Chaim Rosenzweig (Colin Fox). (And isn't "Buck Williams" just the best news anchor name you've ever heard? Outside of Wolf Blitzer, that is.) The elderly Rosenzweig has perfect what he calls the Eden formula, allowing fields of grain to flourish virtually anywhere in the world. This could end world hunger and everyone's real happy about that. Except, it seems, for the squadrons of attack airplanes that suddenly descend upon Jerusalem.
It looks like the Holy City is in for a right smart pounding when, out of nowhere, the planes begin to explode all by themselves. Without the Israeli army firing a shot.
Cut to America, where Ray Steele (Brad Johnson), pilot for Pan-Continental Airlines, sets off for a few Trans-Atlantic flights. (These people have such great, 1960s DC Comic book names, don't they?) He leaves his devout wife, his son, and his sweet looking daughter, Chole (Janaya Stephens) behind (no pun intended). You see, Ray is having some marital problems. Wifey has gone all God Happy and that makes Ray feel icky inside. In order to assuage said ickyness, Ray might be having an affair with a flight attendant named Hattie (Chelsea Noble).
Then comes the movie's hook. Suddenly, all over the world, people vanish right out of their clothes. We focus on Ray's plane, as dozens of people vanish in mid-flight and those left behind start to panic. Not surprisingly, said panic is worldwide.
Meanwhile, in the inner offices of the U.N., no less than the Anti-Christ himself conspires to take over the world and make the Earth safe for dear old Dad to come a-knockin'. Eventually, (through a series of convoluted and contrived happenings) all these characters come together and mull around for a bit doing nothing much important. All the humans become followers of God (because if they didn't then the Moral Message wouldn't be hammered into our heads) and the Anti-Christ lays the foundation for his "Covenant of Seven Years." Then, right in the middle of the story, the movie ends. There's no resolution, no falling action. The Anti-Christ takes over the U.N., everyone else finds God (or, at least, says so; God Himself remains conspicuously absent) and, according to the moviemakers, that should be enough for us vile heathens.
Obviously no one on the production end of things thought about what it would mean to John Q. American if you end the movie there. Because, basically, the Anti-Christ wins. He becomes the most powerful man-thing on the planet and anyone who could've possible opposed him is whisked away.
When you get down to it, this movie is nothing more than the thinly veiled moralizing of all involved. But if that surprises you, then you're as gullible as the people who believe George Bush when he says he's "workin' hard" down on "mah ranch."
The movie is also a disaster movie, in more ways than one. Our characters run around trapped in this situation with no way to resolve it. No matter what they do, no matter how man lip service prayers they offer up to God, they are royally screwed. Which begs the question: Why would any human (and make no mistake: these characters aren't humans) swear allegiance to the God of this movie. This is a deity that comes in the middle of the night to steal your loved ones and then abandons you to deal with the Anti-Christ. But remember: He loves you.
Even without moral issues clouding things up, we're still dealing with a pretty crappy movie here. Characters are uninteresting and one-dimensional. Ray could be an exception, if it weren't for the fact that he begins the movie as a complete bastard. (Though, remember, in this movie's lexicon, anyone who doesn't take their family to church every Sunday is a complete bastard.) He rags on his wife, tries like hell to ignore his kids, might be a cheat (we never know for sure because even the possibility of sex is glossed over), and you're telling me he becomes a True Believer in two days time?
Of course, everyone and everything in this movie is just as rushed and unconvincing. The movie is a church circular, too caught up in bludgeoning us with its Moral Message to try and tell a decent story. Nowhere is this more apparent then at the movie's end. Like so many other crap movies out there, the movie doesn't end, it stops. "Okay, everyone's found God and, really, that's the whole point so why continue?" Umm...how about because you're stopping in the middle of the story, jackass? This is what we smug writer people like to call "lazy storytelling."
The B- and C-list cast only digs this flick in deeper. You know you're in a bad movie when Kirk Cameron gets first billing. At least Brad Johnson can show a few half-human emotions. Just look! He can cry and smile!
And now a word on the religious accuracy of this movie from And You Thought It Was
Safe's resident Christian Theologian (and everyone's favorite not-quite-starving artist), Mark J. Tannacore:
The "rapture" is rather fictional. It was made up a long time ago by (I think) some Catholic trying to convince people that the "Tribulation," which is to be the hardest time any Christ believer will face, won't be so bad because we'll all be 'Rapture' up with Him before Tribulation.
They played the tape at our church before the theatrical run. You have to wonder though, should Kirk Cameron get credit for attempting something like this part, and risking any chance at a comeback he might have had, or credit for knowing that he has nothing left to loose at this point. NOTE: The showing at our church was by our former assistant Pastor. I think that says something.
And now I'm going to say something. I hereby add Left Behind: The Movie to the long, long list of atrocities committed in the name of Jesus Christ. Bible thumping fundamentalists looking to shore up their faith might take comfort in this flick. (Or, hell, they might even find it too damn liberal). If you aren't blown away by the message then prepare to be blown away by the ineptitude of the people who're trying to deliver said message.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch The Matrix. It's a movie that has everything: violence, cruelty, foul language, sexual content...and good storytelling.
