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A lot of verbiage has been cranked out as to Kevin Costner's inability to direct (or, for that matter, star in) a decent movie. It's gotten so bad that even The Simpsons has stopped doing it, apparently because it's such an easy out.
They are an easy out, you know. How many times have I made a Waterworld joke? Seriously? Well, in my family, we have a name for The Postman; we call it "Dry world". Referring, of course, to the fact that The Postman is nothing more then Costar ripping himself off.
Boy, it must take some creative mind to rip-off yourself.
It's 2013 and the world as we know it has ended. Kevin Costner is directing, after all. Besides that, Kevin Costner is also wandering around the Salt Flats of Utah with his donkey. They pass the time arguing over who is the bigger ass (easy joke) and scam money out of people by performing Shakespeare. Yes, Kevin Costner and his ass perform scenes out of McBeth to enthralled towns people.
By this time the little voice in my head was going, Oh yeah, this is gonna hurt. Don't get me wrong, seeing Costner's ass (I'm milking this for all it's worth, no?) perform Shakespeare is one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time, so maybe that voice should just shut the hell up.
During one duet, then not-yet-a-Postman is captured, or "recruited", by the Cliched Racist Army. Lead by the insidiously melodramatic General Bethlehem (Will Patton), the CRA (damn, just one letter short!) goes around what used to be the US collecting people for itself. After a bunch of scenes showcasing just how evil the CRA is, Costner escapes into the continuously rainy wilds or Oregon.
Trapped out in the cold with no food or shelter, he finds the latter in an abandoned mail truck. The truck is dead, so is it's occupant, but that occupant's uniform is intact, as is the mailbag the occupant was to deliver. Figuring a killer scam, the Proto-Postman commits two federal offences by taking the mail and the mail carrier's clothes.
Making up some bullshit story about the restored United States government, our Postman gains entrance to a small Oregon community. Once there, he becomes the town's new hero. One woman, named Abby (and played nicely by Olivia Williams) asks him to impregnate her. This brings up an interesting point: this is the second movie Costner has directed where a woman has disrobed in front of him and offered him her body. Now, I'm not one to psychoanalyze but . . .
Another resident, named Ford Lincoln Mercury (the Toke Black Dude as played by Larenz Tate) doesn't have sex with Costner. Thank God. He does, however, show great interest in becoming a Postman himself. Never one to let his fans down, Costner makes him one and departs.
Hot on his trail is General Beth and the Cliched Racist Army. No, wait, scratch that. Hot on his trail is General Beth and the Cliched Racist Army of Paramilitants. Or,C.R.A.P., for short. Damn, I'm good. Okay, anyway, the C.R.A.P. comes a-callin' looking for their annual tax tribute, only to find tales of a new US government. General Beth is none too happy about that and, in a fit of acting! orders the town torched. Taking Abby as his concubine, of course.
This cycle (Postman comes to town, C.R.A.P. comes to town, town go boom) repeats itself until the Postman doubles back and finds the C.R.A.P. Rescuing Abby, he escapes to a winter cabin, getting hisself injured in the process. For the next 10 minuets of screen time, Abby treats his wounds and her baby mysteriously doesn't come. Not that the plot bothers to notice, but, come on. After an entire fall and winter wouldn't this woman be as big as a house? Yes? No? Oh well; time to kill some zombies.
Sorry, wrong movie.
In this movie, Costner an Abby finally leave and come across a girl on horseback. She claims to be one of the Postmen. One of? Costner wonders? Yep. Seams while he was hold up inside that cabin, Ford spread the word about the new USA to others, and made others Postmen, setting up an entire mail service and linking lines of communication across dozens of towns. Not bad, huh?
As you can guess, the C.R.A.P. is still pretty peeved about this. Every time a Postman strays to far south they die at the hands of C.R.A.P. Faced with war on his hands, Costner rallies the Postmen and they become the Disgruntled Postmen, ready to kick some C.R.A.P. ass!
Or, at lest, that's what would have happened had I written this movie. Of course, where Dr. Psy at the helm (instead of Eric Roth) this entire script would be much more action oriented. I would hype up General Beth's evil side to much greater levels, rather then the hokey melodrama we sit through here. The Postman would have a much more spherical character as oppose to his current saucer-like state. Just who was this guy before the world melted down, hmmm?
Were the Hand of Chosis in this movie, I would most defiantly not have made the mistake of casting Will Patton. For me, Dennis Hopper was the real treat of Waterworld. Dennis Hopper kicks ass at playing villains Does Will Patton? No. He can look like Gary Oldman all he wants, but he can't be nearly as evil.
Costner is fine. You'd be fine to if all you had to do was play yourself. Of course, what else is Costner good at, eh? He's not much of a director, and it shows here. He can show pretty vistas like the best of em, but he can't pace a movie well for the sake of the universe.
But hey, it isn't Waterworld. Nor just some Waterworld rip-off. Well . . . at least the second half isn't. Hey, that's something right? But for all the world, Kevin Costner movies just don't float my boat. Maybe it's because I'm male; maybe it's because I have taste. Maybe both. Who knows? There's some entertainment to be had from The Postman, but you almost have to turn your head sideways and squint to get at it.
RATING (OUT OF A POSSIBLE FIVE)