You know, this was a pretty good movie, until I started thinking about it. Having a brain can be a terrible thing sometimes.
Far, far back, in my review of the oft-neglected Zolton: Hound of Dracula, I introduced you to the Band family, and their little thalidomide baby, Full Moon Productions. Full Moon has churned out more pieces of low budget crap then any studio in history. The possible exception of Roger Corman's AIP studios, Satan rest its soul.
Robot Jox isn't a Full Moon picture, per se (only one Band is in attendance, and he's only the producer), but, oh, does it ever smack of the Full Moon label. Low End Special Effects (used ever so sparingly) a Plethora of TV Actors, and a Script a 10 year-old Could See Through are the buzz words of today.
It is a few years after the atomic wars (file this under "Post Apocalypso"). War itself is now outlawed (right, uh-huh), and in its place is a form of combat we can all respect: men fighting inside hundred foot robots. Two metallic gladiators square off, fighting for their respective governments over disputed territory. Oh lord, that almost sounds exciting, doesn't it?
We open with the two nations of the world (communism and capitalism have become the Confederacy and the Market) fighting over the territory of Alaska. The Confederacy's mad Russian (emphasis on the Russian) champion, Alexander (Paul Koslo) vs. the Market's All-American Hero, Achilles (Gary Graham). They're, like, named after Greek dudes because they're, like, gladiators and stuff!
Our opening bout finds Achilles' and Alexander's robots fighting in the Death Valley Stadium. See? It's like Pokémon, except with giant robots. An "accident" on the part of the evil Russian sends his Flying Robot Punch™ careening into the stands. Achilles, being the hero and all, intercepts the Flying Robot Punch™ with his own robot . . . and ends up crashing into the stadium seats.
Smart, dude. Very smart.
The match is declared "inconclusive" by the committee of referees (in the future, refs are still blind). Another match will be fought in one week to decide the ownership of Alaska. But they'll have to fight it without Achilles. As a gaggle of reporters watch (and, this being a Band flick, the gaggle consist of about 5 people), Achilles announces his resignation. It was his last fight, anyway.
Oh, but it's not over. Nooo. You see, while he tries to re-enter normal society (in the movies only character scenes) Achilles encounters a hot, genetically engineered babe named Athena (played by hot babe Anne-Marie Johnson, who certainly looks like she was genetically engineered). After writing him off as the has-been he is, and surviving some oddly stupid training programs, Athena becomes the front runner to fight Alexander.
Of course, by then, Achilles has fallen in lo-oove! How else are we going to get some cheep, time-efficient character development in this thing? Don't expect much. The two share one kiss during the entire show. It's the standard "lady's favor" kind of kiss the knight receives before doing battle with the Black Knight ("It's just a flesh wound!")
Not surprisingly, the one (and only) place where Robot Jox really shines is in its robots. I may be alone on this (as always), but I've always found that stop-motion animation works best with robots. The hard edges, the jerky motions . . . my brain just screams robot when I see these things move.
Also, the oft-debased jerkiness of stop-motion fits in here considering how the Robojox control their machines. It's some sort of biofeedback feature that allows the operator's motions to translate into the motions of the robot. They call it WALDOs. Don't ask me, ask them. All I know is it'd be pretty cool if I could get one of those for Christmas (the robots optional Space Flight mode would come in handy sometimes).
The special effects are good, I'll say that. They just aren't used often enough. A giant robot fight movie should not be stingy with its giant robot fights! We get two giant robot battles, the first barely lasting ten minuets. The second is thankfully longer, running about 15. But, still, that means only 23% of the movie is devoted to robot fighting
I pull out my calculator for you people. You better appreciate it.
So, with 77% of the movie to fill, what do we fill it with? That's right class: people talking. And talking, and talking and ACTING! There's lots of ACTING going on in Robot Jox. Some ACTORS are line readers, like Commissioner Jameson (Robert Sampson). Some are cartoons like Paul Koslo (who hasn't improved since Xtro 2, let me tell ya), or, even better, Achilles' mentor, Tex Conway (Michael Alldredge). With his cowboy (baby) had and thick-as-syrup drawl, Tex seems to be trying to out-stereotype Paul Koslo, no small feat.
The closest thing an actor here is (I'm almost sorry to say) Gary Graham. And, yes, you have seen him before. He played Detective Sh*t Head on Alien Nation. At least he can play a tough talking, world-weary pragmatist convincingly. After all, he did it on his show for 3 years before this.
Now, Anne-Marie Johnson is something. I'm not sure what, but she's something. Throughout the movie she seems to being trying to out-Seven Seven of Nine in the "cold hearted bitch" department. She blows Achilles off, slips him a mickey, kicks his ass, steals his robot, and yet, they two kiss and make up before he goes off to save the day. --the hell?
Robot Jox ends with Achilles and Alexander fighting through a field of rubble, with sticks and really big rocks. Now, were I getting paid to write this, I might talk about this as a commentary on the hopelessness of war . . . but writer/director Stuart Gordon and Joe Haldeman didn't even bother to bring this up until the last sequence in the movie. As if, as the script neared completion, they suddenly thought, "Hey, that's a pretty damn cool idea! We'll put that in and the movie will sound all philosophical and crap." Had they underlined this theme from page 1, yes, it would have sounded all philosophical and crap. Now, it just feels tacked on.
With a fairly good TV actor at its head, some decent (if underused) FX at its heart, Robot Jox has some potential. It's certainly got a fun concept, and a movie with giant robot fights can't be all bad. All it needs is a different writer . . . and director . . . and casting agent . . . and some decent music, while were at it. And, oh hell, how 'bout an FX upgrade? Sure, the current batch is decent, but it could become great!
I gotta hurry up and get myself in a director's chair.
Gs (out of a possible five)
MOCK O' METER
See also: Cold Fusion Video