REVIEW DATE: 9:25:9:9
Unlike my critic brethren (i.e. Those Who Get Paid to Do This) I've tried to avoid the pitfalls which turn people off to movie critics; the arrogance (I've taken it on faith that you all know I'm right, so why say it all the time) the film technobable (only available upon request) the broad, sweeping generalizations (broad, sweeping generalizations suck), and never once have I called Citizen Kane the greatest movie ever made (it's not). Unfortunately, I still can't shake these gigantic damned sentences.
For this review, I'll have to toss my convictions to the wind and use a broad, sweeping generalization. Never trust anything that calls itself, "The Ultimate in Terror". Usually, said film
barely earns itself the title of "The Ultimate in Knockout Gas Technology". So is it with Salem's Lot. This retelling of Stephen King's second novel is so trashed that I could barely see the decayed skeleton of what was (to me, at least) a darn good modern vampire story.
[*sits back, cracks knuckles*]All right, time to kick some bad movie ass. Ben (David Soul), like most of King's heroes, is a writer, returning to his hometown of Salem's Lot for . . . some-damned-reason-or-another. You try to figure it out; the only bones the movie threw me were that it has something to do with a book his trying to finish involving a local haunted house.
"Former haunted house" might work better, since the mysterious Mr. Straker (James Mason) buys the house from a real estate agent for a tidy sum. He and his "associate" Mr. Barlow (Reggie Nalder) plan to set up an antique shop in this little hamlet. If you were paying attention way back when I reviewed Needful Things you know that Stephen King + antique shop = a whole lot a' crap being stirred up.
When I'm right, I'm right. At a secluded city dock, a giant crate arrives, and is born off to Salem's
Lot by two stupid deliverymen. Being stupid, the two notice the crates unearthly coldness, but decidedly decline to crack the thing open. They simply haul the crate into Straker's new house, dump it in the cellar and leave. Actually, maybe they aren't that dumb, considering who's in that box.
Immediately afterward, weird stuff happens. While playing around, two stupid kids decide to take a requisite Short Cut Through the Woods. Traversing the Shortcut Through the Woods, one tike is spirited away by something unseen. Something evil! EVIL I SAY!!
A search is organized, and they do find the boy . . . completely drained of blood! Wow, bet you never saw that coming.
But wait, while all this is going on, our friend Ben has hooked up with local schoolteacher, Jason (Matlock look-alike Lew Ayres) and has himself a pretty little girlfriend in the form of Susan (Bonnie Bedelia) all is pretty well, until Matlock starts to suspect that Stupid Boy's death was the result of vampires. Quoth Ben, "Vampires? Vampires you say? You mean George W. Bush has come to Salem's Lot? My God man! Lock up the children!"
Okay, so that's not exactly what he said, but he is rather skeptical . . . until others start dying mysterious deaths, that is. Eventually, it's down to Ben, Susan, Jason, and one of the stupid kids. Everyone human and sane has gotten the hell out of dodge, while these 4 stupidly remain to try to destroy the town's new undead population. Do they win? Yes. Sorta. At the end only Ben and Stupid Kid are left standing, the town's folk either vampireized or kibble. They burn the house down, shoot Starker 5 times (without spilling a single drop of blood, mind you) and introduce Barlow's heart to a stake o' wood. The end.
Now, what word would best describe this movie? Hmmm, "crap" sounds good. "Waste of time" sounds even better. "The complete bastardization of a pretty darn good novel," is good too, but that's 9 words. Tough choice. I guess, after I tell you just how flawed this picture is, you'll have to
make the call.
If David Soul, looks familiar it's because you're one of those people who watch to many bad TV movies. They appear to be the only thing on his resume, except for the odd bad TV series. His acting shows this. In TV movies you can have the talent of an action figure and still get your paycheck. His one good scene (a monologue where he describes his experiences inside the haunted house) almost had my mouth watering. Yes, thought I, he was just asleep when the shot the previous scenes. He's actually an actor! I was wrong, but I've seen parrots give better performances.
James Mason is the best actor in the cast (duh!). Well, his impression of Vincent Price on sedatives is, at least.
Bonnie Bedelia is Susan. She's also a robot, controlled by off screen technicians. No real actress would touch the part once they read the script.
What say we give the script the once over? Written by Paul Monash (writer of TNT's 1997 George Wallace), it's as padded as a football linebacker. Stuffed full with little snippets of small town life (each lasting about 2 minuets) the script never develops any of the characters it introduces. The scenes serve no purpose, other then to introduce vampire chow. "Hello," they say. "This is such and such. He'll be eaten in the next 5 minuets and never heard from again."
Can someone tell me why director Tobe Hooper considered filming a character walking around scary? Oh, she's walking around a deserted house. I'm scarred.
Can someone tell me a reason to watch this movie? Guess not.
Gs (out of a possible five)
IT JUST PLAIN SUCKS
MOCK O' METER
See also: Cold Fusion Video.
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