REVIEW DATE: 12:7:0:0
A year before Cameron's boat sailed the seven seas, Hallmark jumped the gun, beating Jimmy C to the punch with a mini-series I that doubt even the most anal of you remember. Lord knows I don't. But then, name something else Hallmark has produced that's memorable?
To give the devil his due, this Titanic is star studded . . . even if the stars are a bit, shall we say, second rung. Except for George C. Scott. George C. kicks ass.
So, from the people who brought you enough holiday keepsake ornaments to fill a cannery ship, comes Titanic. Written by Ross LaManna (who would live on to write Rush Hour) and Joyce Eliason (who would live on to write a buttload of TV movies), the movie tries to be a cross between A Night to Remember's docudramaisam and Titanic's fake-but-interestingness**. The marriage is, more often then not, a happy one. But does this thing deserve a warm place on your video shelf?
Following the standard disaster movie format, Titanic hits us with a salad bar of characters. It's the old, "throw pasta on the wall" theory: we have to stick with at least one of these people. There's Jamie (Mike Doyle) a thief who steals his ticket off a drunk; Alice, a nanny, who sees dead people (they're floating in the ocean sea, but still . . .); Simon (Tim Curry), who's evil (of course he is, he's played by Tim Curry); Park (Peter Gallagher), who's hot for: Isabella (Catherine Zeta-Jones), a poor not-so-little rich girl in mourning.
With these little slices of stereotype--, er, life on board, the R.M.S. Titanic sets out for New York City. (New York City?) Not surprisingly, romance buds between Park (who's set to get a diamond mine) and Isabella (who's married to a nice, rich dude, and has a daughter waiting for her in America). I'm supposed to find this little bit of adultery sweeping and romantic. I don't. Damn. Maybe I should start reading crappy romance novels.
Meanwhile, down in steerage, Jamie the thief sparks up a romance of his own with a nice looking, religious girl named Osa (Sonseeahray Flöthmann). Romance: it's the quickest way to a character's character. Meanwhile, Simon is skulking around, scheming to steal from the rich and give to himself. With Jamie's street thief hands and his plan, Simon figures they could pick the ship clean and sail away, sail away. So Jamie must wrestle with the thief inside him, and try to be the good person he knows Osa wants.
Then, the ship sinks. These people are on the Titanic, after all. Side characters mention the ship from time to time, just to remind us. Nice gesture, considering I thought I was trapped inside The English Patient for a second. So the ship sinks, people scramble, most die. Once again, in any other movie, this would be called "lazy writing."
I must say that Jamie and Osa's relationship is a lot more interesting than the hot-and-cold cheating sessions between 'bella and Mr. Park. They begin the movie hating each other, but one confrontation on the Grand Staircase latter and they're falling all over themselves to start shaggin'. I still don't know why a woman having an affair with a man she couldn't stand two scenes ago is considered romantic. Especially if she's doing out of boredom with her loving, caring, rich husband and nice looking daughter at home.
Hmmm . . . an affair founded on boredom. Hello, English Patient, how I have missed thee. Not.
But, hey, I'm a guy. What else can I say for myself? And on the plus side, it's always good to see Ms. Jones, no matter what. I'm sorry, people, but she's hot. She can act, and act well, too. And she's hot. During her scenes with Park, I had no problem with their romance . . . until I started thinking about it.
Stupid brain.
Now, the romance below decks is not only less, shall we say, trite, it also creates actual character development. I'm not talking about Jones' "Oh, I hate him; oh, I love him," shtick, I mean actual psychological change. Osa tries to convince Jamie that he can indeed have dreams about things besides money. On the other shoulder sits Simon, tempting him with this (literally) golden opportunity.
And, before anything can really get resolved, the ship starts to sink.
Then, suddenly, the movie wakes up and realizes "Hey, I'm a disaster flick." And the disaster starts. I can hear metal screech as we shift gears. The movie tries to preserve the tragic feeling of panic and the message that human stupidity and bad luck killed more people that night than hypothermia. But after an hour of watching fantasy romances, this angle doesn't have the power it needs. It isn't given the attention it deserves.
Nothing is given the attention it deserves. That's another strike. The "throw pasta on a wall" method only works to a point. For every character that does stick, three or four are going to slide off. Plus, the flick tries to tell the stories of Titanic's real passengers and crew in addition to these fictional people. In the process, the movie's focus is scattered to the four winds, and no one's story is strong enough to stand on it's own.
The actors give it the old scouts' try, but it's actually the supporting cast (made up mostly of real life Titanic passengers) that pulls the most acting weight. With people like George C. Scott (as Cap'n Smith), Marilu Henner (as Molly Brown) and my favorite villain and yours, Tim Curry, at least I had something entertaining to watch.
This Titanic is really a conglomerate of movies, none of which looks strong enough to support its own weight. There is such a thing as being too ambitious. As Dirty Harry once said: "A man's got ta know his limitations." The makers of Titanic obviously didn't. They've got a great budget. Sets are lavish beyond lavishness, and the ship looks great. (Until the sinking. Then the CGI starts to show its lack of budget.) And they even filled the ship with some interesting people. Unfortunately, those people aren't the focus of the script.
For every good thing I say about this Titanic, two bad things raise their heads. There's a reason no one remembers this little mini-series. I'm sure I'll forget it pretty soon, too.
Gs (out of a possible five)
MOCK O' METER
You wanna buy it? Looney.
I love the Internet. It's such a liberating medium. I'm free here. Free to make up nonsensical, compound words at will. My English teacher would fucking kill me. But who needs a dictionary? We can just make these things up as we go along. To hell with you high-and-mighties and your "grammar" and your "spell checker" (especially around here) and your "Thesaurus!" Go back, move back, hie back, budge back and, while your at it, flow back.