Short and sweet version:

The defining, stand out scene of this whole movie (the one we all get our pictures from) turns out to be a dream sequence.

Long and painful version:

Remember when I called The Incredible Hulk Returns “a fine capstone” to the series? Well, that was the truth. It’s unfortunate no one at NBC realized this in time.

Not very surprising, though. Happens everywhere. A decent little picture miraculously becomes popular (popular enough to snatch the fifth highest rating of any program aired in the same week) only to be sullied by a lackluster, assembly-line sequel.

Hot off the success of Returns, NBC rushed to make a deal with Marvel for future Incredible Hulk outings. And, wouldn’t you know it, less than a year later Trial of the Incredible Hulk roared and flexed its way to prime time. And as they say on the news, “God help us all.”

Well…okay. So it’s not that bad. Things could be worse. But saying “things could be worse” doesn’t make that any better. Go back in time and try saying that to a Parisian during the Natzi occupation. Go ahead, try it. You’ll see something funny. Still, there’s definitely something missing from Trial. You can feel it from the start.

For one thing, the obligatory Hulk title sequence is nowhere to be found. Instead we here Dr. David Banner’s choppy voiceover as he brings the unknowing up to speed. Scientist. Gamma radiation. Monster. Yadda, yadda, yadda…

We find Dr. Banner (still played by Bill Bixby) hole diggin’ in some anonymous rural landscape. When one of his co-diggers decides to get smart and push him around, Banner takes the moral high road and decides running away is his best and only option.

Right away we see the responsible, upstanding Banner of Returns is nowhere to be found here, and no reference is made to whatever might’ve happened in the Time Between to drive Banner this far underground.* Unfortunate, considering whatever it was would’ve probably be much more entertaining to watch that the following.

[*Of course, this assumes that Returns and Trial take place sequentially…and in the same fictional universe. No one on the production end of things seemed to care enough about this issue to even bring it up. As a result, Trial could just as easily have taken place during the show’s original Five-Year Mission…save Bixby’s choice to sport a shaggy beard for the first two-thirds of the movie. More about the problems this little choice brings up in future footnotes.]

Knapsack in hand, our bearded hero heads for The City…though, by now you’d think Banner would be smart enough to know this is a Bad Idea. We certainly are. Sure enough, within ten minutes Our Hero runs across two thieves assaulting a woman named Ellie Mendez (Marta DuBois) on The Subway. Rough housing ensues and Banner’s alter ego (still Lou Ferrigno) soon emerges to bust some heads.

Now, there’s nothing really wrong with Bixby’s choice to sport a beard in this outing. David Banner’s two-dimensional other self has been known to change his appearance while on the lamb. But you’d think someone (in make-up, props, set-design, anywhere) could’ve run out, ganked some more green-tinted yak hair and given Ferrigno a beard, too. As is, this creates a glaring continuity problem for all three of the movie’s “hulk-out” sequences, the emotional crux of this entire Hulk thang.

Know what I’m sayin’? It’s hard to enjoy the high point of a film with a continuity goof staring you right in the face. We nerds are a fastidious bunch, and our eyes (sheltered behind their shields of glass) are sharp as hawks. And we really hate it when our left brain interrupts our right brain’s vicarious thrills with stupid questions like, “Hey, where the hell's the Hulk’s beard?”

This is one of the least talked about issues of Trial, one that I think is central to the final taste the film leaves in your mouth. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. There’s more plot ahead. Now where the hell was I?

After sending the punks packing, the Hulk (with his usual subtlety) makes his escape through a crowded station, cops in pursuit. Johnny Law finds a half naked, shivering Banner and somehow* Our Hero winds up behind bars, accused of attacking the very woman he tried to save.

[*We later learn that police in The City are helplessly corrupt, along with most of the local politicians (duh). Still, you’d think a higher Court of Appeals might be interested in all those witness testimonies about a big green dude who bore no resemblance to the skinny white man the cops picked up. Or maybe the FBI. Unless you’re telling me the FBI is ignoring all the blatantly obvious organized crime in The City.]

Who would possibly defend the Incredible Hulk? Why…Matt Murdock (Rex Smith) of course. Foolish humans.

And right here, ladies, we have the Trial’s other Defining Problem: Daredevil. Remember, last time at least Thor had the decency to have his bar fight and leave so we could all watch Banner Hulk-out and kick ass. Besides, my key point remains: if you’re gonna do a Pilot, make a fucking pilot. This left-handed stuff just doesn’t work.

Yes, Hulk have no fear, Matt Murdock is on the case…especially after dark, when Matt sheds his three-piece for a black leotard and becomes the vigilante known as Daredevil, the Man Without Self-Respect.

Matt quickly deduces that Ellie Mendez’s accusation is obviously the work of his arch nemesis: the Kingpin (John Rhys-Davies!). Masquerading as well-paid rich person Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin uses his wealth and power to command a vast criminal network slowly eating away at The City’s heart. Daredevil being a Marvel Comics character, you don’t have to be a genius to figure out who killed Matt Murdock’s father and thus providing a Defining Element of Tragedy in Daredevil’s background. One of them, anyway…Daredevil, breaking the Spider-man mold, has two.

The other being a childhood misadventure with an old man, a street, and a truck illegally transporting toxic waste. Young Matt, rescuing an old man from a hit-n’-run, wound up dosed with “those mysterious rays of which we know so little” and lost his sight. Fortunately the accident also made his other senses extraordinarily sensitive, giving him a kind of second sight (represented here by a cheep video filter effect).

With these powers, Matt became a superhero and devoted his life to bringing down the Kingpin and ridding The City (which is actually Vancouver) of Evil. So, while Banner sweats in prison we follow Daredevil as he learns those two men in the subway were in fact fleeing one of Kingpin’s diamond heists.

Peeked at his arch-rival’s interest, the Kingpin quickly kidnaps Ellie Mendez, using her as bait to lure Daredevil in and slaughter him…on video*. Fisk plans to then showcase “the destruction of my enemy” to “the other heads of crime,” convincing them to turn over control of their vast organizations…somehow.

[*Much like The Architect, the Kingpin has a healthy TV screen fetish. And, like any villain, wears only square sunglasses.]

Will Daredevil save Banner from the stand? Will the Hulk save Daredevil from the Kingpin’s plan? Will anyone save the poor Latina babe (and her scary, 80s hair) whose plight started all of this? And how come a two-hour made for TV movie can last this long?

Last question first: These two hours are filled to bursting with all the plot, setting and character information you can stomach…and more. Too bad most of this stuff isn’t terribly interesting, considering it has little to do with our titular character.

Hence Defining Problem Number Three. The two main character arcs of the piece are badly cobbled together, with the Hulk clearly getting the short shift (he doesn’t even appear during the climactic battle). Daredevil’s prominence is almost insulting on one level. I…well, didn’t exactly pay for this movie…but if I had, I would’ve paid for a Hulk, movie, damnit. If the NBC bean counters (I’m under no illusions about writer Gerald Di Pego’s degree of script control) didn’t trust Daredevil enough to give him two hours and no competition well, then…fuck Daredevil. Not like you don’t have the Hulk, for God’s sake.

So, obviously, Trial’s another victim of bureaucratic pussyfooting. But chin up, campers, there’s plenty more wrong with this picture.

For one thing, there’s no real evidence connecting the central axis of the plot (the two robbers menacing Mendez on the subway) to the Kingpin. Oh, Matt says, he wants to keep this thugs in prison. The obvious question is…why? With his already god like control over The City, couldn’t the Kingpin just have them killed in prison? In a sequence that harkens back to the feel of the Hulk series, only random chance saves Banner from meeting a similar fate.*

[*Of course, no further attempts on his life are made.]

Then there’s this whole thing with the Kingpin forming a “network” with other crime lords…his competitors, in other words. Again, why? The Kingpin I know would be much more interested in killing his rivals off, one by one, as an ever-shrinking number of them sweat, wondering when the ax would fall. Or maybe sic them all on each other through some Machiavellian scheme…or, better yet, send the idiots after Daredevil. I’m sure they’d hop to it once the Kingpin convinced them Daredevil was stockpiling Weapons of Mass Destruction.

I’m just rattling these off one after the other. Unfortunately every one of them would require little things like a budget, liquid screen time and much more talent than this movie has to spare. A problem showcased by Bill Bixby’s miniscule screen time during the first two-thirds, while the audience is forced to follow Daredevil.

Without a doubt, Bixby is the most professional actor in the house. Yet even he (like everyone else) labors under the ludicrous dialogue he’s forced to spout. Stomp Tokyo’s favorite (“I’m a good doctor. I thought I’d lost it, but I haven’t. I can fix anything they broke in you…except your spirit.”) is just the tip of this saccharine iceberg. You might like to know that Mr. Di Pego also banged out the 1996 John Travolta vehicle, Phenomenon. That’s what we’re dealing with here.

Nothing stirs up my well-tended Banner ambivalence like idiotic dialogue. At least John Rhys-Davies seems to be enjoying himself. By playing Kingpin completely straight (no matter how illogical his plans) Rhys-Davies manages to escape with his limbs intact. But do you think he put this on his Lord of the Rings resume?. No.

The sad thing is…I kinda dug Rex Smith. As Daredevil, he’s sorely lacking.* As Matt Murdock, he’s…competent. But (again, like everyone else) his Murdock comes across as a refugee from a soap opera. Not to mention all the crucial elements of Daredevil’s character (and, by extension, his story’s distinct world) left on the cutting room floor. Vancouver is a poor Hell’s Kitchen. Murdock’s struggling legal practice becomes a posh corporate office right next door to the Kingpin’s tower. And Foggy Nelson is replaced by a woman named Christa and a Token Black Dude. Sweet Jesus.

I was largely ambivalent towards Trial of the Incredible Hulk as I sat watching the credits role. A few hours of serious thought really helped me understand why. In the final tally, this movie is just a mess. It’s uneven and schizophrenic, drifting from melodrama to over-the-top superhero action hour without hint of care. Trial is also bogged down with exposition, grinding to a halt every time another plot point begs for attention. And you can’t help but feel sorry for the poor sobs who have to say these awful things.

Mostly, I feel sorry for the Hulk. Because there’s nothing technically wrong with this movie (in the most literal sense). But it’s rampant story problems wear the scars of a rushed, haphazard production…or at least pre-production. And if you think I’m ignoring Bill Bixby’s contribution as a director…well, you’re right. But it’s not like he gives me much to go on. While his dialogue is trite and heavy handed, his camera is lackluster and invisible. Very much the point-‘n-shoot style. Not something to write home about.

Which pretty sums up Trial of the Incredible Hulk..and this whole choppy, Personal Stash Month experience. Tune in next week for Teen Gross Out Comedy Month, sure to be masochistic fun for everyone…except me.