REVIEW DATE: 10:28:9:9
Time to jump tracks, boys and girls. If variety is the spice of life, then AYTIWS defiantly needs some more seasoning, just to assure that we can soak in that nice, woody flavor while browning in the oven. In other words, no more 1980s horror movies. At least, not this updated. But do I spy with my little eye something called The Omen?
For some damnedable reason, I seam to be condemned to review every "blockbuster" to come out of 1998. I assume it has something to do with my inclusion of Armageddon to my original roaster. I knew that damn thing would get me in trouble. Mr. Bay, you got some 'splaining to do!
Enough stalling, time to face the music. Now, watch, as Dr. Psy pisses off the rest of the general public by panning another favorite from 1998. Nobody's gonna listen to me after this one.
There must be something about There's Something About Mary, and I must not be getting it. Popping up like a whack-a-mole in the late summer of last year, Mary, along with Saving Private Ryan, went on to dominate the late summer/early fall season. If you ask me (and, since no on will, I'll tell you anyway), only God knows why.
We begin a long time ago in a galaxy far far away . . . oh,
wait, sorry. No, actually we begin about 
13 years ago
in some rich New England town. There, nerd supreme, Ted (Ben Stiller) attempts to tear hot
babe supreme, Mary (Cameron Diez) away from her asshole boyfriend. He succeeds. And, in
doing so, sets my spider-sense a tingling. This guy is a total dork, and Diez is paying
attention to him? Yeah, right, and Cindy Crawford is waiting for me in my bedroom.
Hold on a second, let me look. Ya know, for fact checking purposes.
Nope. No Cindy. You see my point?
But, this is a comedy, so okay. Ted not only gets Mary to pay attention to him, but he actually scores a date to the prom with her (spider-sense!). Through some extremely stupid circumstances, Ted accidentally attempts to give himself a vasectomy. He, unfortunately, misses the date. Mary's moving away prevents another and he spends the rest of his days moping around about his lost love.
See? He's a dork.
Driven into the dumps by life, Dorkboy hires private dick (and public buttmunch) Pat (Matt Dillon) to track Mary down for him. At first bemoaning his pain in the ass job, Pat soon turns around when he discovers what a hot babe Mary really is. Eventually, he becomes so infatuated with her that, upon reporting back to Ted, he spins a tail of Mary being a fat, ugly child factory, so he can have her all to his lonesome.
Ted, a bit depressed by this, eventually realizes Hey! Fat ugly child factories don't live in Florida, they settle in Missouri! Brushing the wool off his eyes, Ted sets out to reclaim his lost woman.
And I set out to reclaim the time this movie sucked out of my life. 119 minuets in all. Yeesh. Do you know how much porn I could have downloaded in that time? Now it's gone, gone forever . . . *sniff*.
If nothing else, this movie defiantly shows the utter hypocrisy
of today's movie critics. Jim Carry gets taken to the cleaners for "sophomoric
humor", yet this movie dodged those bullets like Keanu Reeves. Godzilla
caught crap for not portraying a giant monster smashing New York in a realistic light (or,
in too realistic a light, depending on who you talk to) but this movie's plot holes are
glanced right over. Alls I got to say is, "What the f**k!?!?!
Since I am trying ever so hard to be consistent let me say this: I like sophomoric humor. To a point. You all know I liked South Park (and understood it, which is more then Roger "Mayor" Ebert can say), but South Park, for all its cursing and farting, had a point to make. Something to get behind. Something I could get behind. Mary? Forget about it. This is dumb humor for its own sake. There's no point here, the writers and directors of this movie (Ed Decter, John J. Strauss and the Farrelly brothers, respectively) genuinely found this funny.
It's not. At least, not to me. You, and the millions of $ worth of other people might be different. I really don't care. Acting, for it's part, is fine. Dorks and assholes are, quite possibly, the easiest characters to portray on screen. No matter how I try, I just can't feel anything for these people. None of them. All the men in this movie have major psychological problems, and Mary has almost no character for herself. Snore.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against dorks. I was one, myself. But come one, thirteen years? I'm sorry, but no. Cameron Diez my be hot, but no hot babe is worth that much time. Sorry, but I'm gonna have to throw a BS flag on that play.
Finding no jokes to laugh at or characters to like, I tried to make up jokes of my own. Much to my horror, I discovered this movie to be to stupid to make fun off. Now that's a one in a million shot. The makers should pat themselves on the back for that one.
To dumb to be laughed at, and to dumb to be enjoyed, There's Something About Mary provided the perfectly sub-average brain cell killing experience. Whatever it is about Mary, I'm glad I didn't catch it. It's probably malignant.
Gs (out of a possible five)
MOCK O' METER
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